Just the other day I was thinking about the whole idea of coming out and how I broke the news to my parents about my sexual orientation.
I let my memories take me all the way back to my childhood and the games we played as kids. I was always so jealous and overprotective of my female friends, some would say possessive but to me it was just caring and loving my friends too much, maybe just a little bit too much. At the time I had no idea what those feelings meant, there was nothing sexual about my behaviour, just a warm fuzzy feeling.
I think about my favourite toys and how I was never interested in dolls, when all my friends wanted all types; the crying baby, the peeing baby and the all time famous Barbie doll that I cared less about.
I was into playing house and never wanted to be the mother, always the kid because I was never allowed to be the father; “Only boys can be father” I was told all the time.
Now back to the whole idea of ‘coming out’. What’s my childhood got to do with coming out? Here’s a scenario for you to think about; imagine the days when you used to play ‘hide and seek’ and the fright you got each time your brother, sister or friend jumped out of their hiding place without you realising where they were hiding, scaring the living daylights out of you! Now think about how some people ‘come out’ to their parents; without any preparations, they just utter to their parents; “Ma, I’m gay”, what’s stopping your mother from having a heart attack if you just pounce out of the closet just like that?
I laughed when I thought about it; the thought of someone literally “jumping out of the closet” was quite dramatic and scary and would definitely give me a heart attack.
Maybe if we didn’t call it ‘coming out’; it would have less shocking effect and drama. It’s the same as saying to your parents; “Ma, I’m having sex now!” your mother would probably collapse right there, not because she doesn’t know you have sex but because you just pounced on her unexpectedly.
We need to prepare our parents, step out of the closet while you’re still ‘alone in the room’, let your parents start asking themselves questions, let them see your friends because personally I think if you’re yourself through and through, your parents will not see you any differently when you do ‘come out’ because you stepped out of the closet a long time ago. Slowly they get introduced to the ‘real you’ without any shock factor or hide and seek games.
I do know though that there are same sorry excuses for parents (forgive me) out there that will go to the extent of throwing their kids out of the house. It’s a shame that after nine months of caring another human life inside you, you would turn your back on your very own flesh and blood.
I understand being shocked and worried about what people will think but after a short while, a child’s wellbeing and the need to be loved and cared for takes priority to what your neighbours will think.
This is by no means a solution or guide to ‘coming out’, just my usual crazy thoughts about life and its mysteries.
To all my brothers and sisters that have taken the step out of the closet only to be met by judgements and hurt from their parents; hang in there, it might be hard for now but you will pull through.
To those still in the closet; when you are ready, it will happen. Take your time; a single step out of that closet will make a huge difference in your life, how you view life and how you view yourself. All I know is that when I stepped out, a warm light and a free soul took over me and I would never go back in there for any reason (it’s terribly hot in the closet, no air).
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, December 05, 2008
Why women might never rule the world
I used to get angry when I heard the saying “This is a man’s world” and when guys at tertiary would tell us that women would never be leaders because we’re too emotional and think with our hearts instead of our heads, ‘til just this past Saturday, I refused to listen to this notion.
I set in a room packed with women of all classes and prominence and yet sitting in that room I felt ashamed and wanted to hide. For two days we set there pointing fingers, blaming everyone, talking at each other instead of with each other. We trampled on each other’s hearts, criticised and not once did we affirm each other as feminists should.
For centuries women have had problems working together, everyone wants the fame but not the struggle that comes with it. We want to shine by bringing others down. We suffer from a serious case of PHD (Pull Her Down) syndrome and yet we don’t see it. We see this with the many forms of feminisms that exist or have existed, it shows that when women disagree they see this as a reason to go off and form their own little groups; today we have womanists, revolutionarists and so forth and yet all we all want is the emancipation of all women.
Another good example is when the ANC Women’s League decided to collude against each other and vote for a man as President, a man we all know as the epitome of patriarchy and male chauvinism and yet our own mothers who claim to be fighting for women and women’s rights sold us all out and voted us straight 20 years back.
During the Zuma trial when he was accused of rape, there was evidence that “he slept” (he was acquitted of rape) with an HIV positive woman without using protection and took a shower so he wouldn’t get infected. When this happened, I thought the women of South Africa would wake up and see him for what he really is but to my shock and dismay there were women with “Zuma” T-shirts hurling slurs at the women who were on the other side with placards that read “Against her will, against the law”, it was our mothers that were burning the picture of the victim and spitting on it instead of standing together in solidarity.
How are we ever going to rule the world when we can’t even support each other through such painful times? Most African leaders have let women down for centuries and yet they continue to rule because of our votes. In countries where war is rife, women and children are the ones suffering the most…I watch the news everyday and my eyes water from the pain I feel for those women and I ask myself a question “how soon ‘til we’re next”, we sit here with all the opportunities to come together to make sure that our children and their children never face such famines, such pain, such hurt and scars that will be with them forever but yet we still fight over petty things like ownership and wanting things done our way.
When I set through that meeting, my heart was bleeding, not from the things said and not from the criticism but from the lack of thinking, the lack of timing and seeing such intelligent women reduce themselves to petty queens and a bunch that can’t stand change, especially when change happens without them and not on their terms.
The struggle within this sector is still a long way from revival and change will happen, younger activists and feminists will continue the struggle in their own terms, it’s inevitable and unstoppable and we should learn to let go and give credit where credit is due.
I set in a room packed with women of all classes and prominence and yet sitting in that room I felt ashamed and wanted to hide. For two days we set there pointing fingers, blaming everyone, talking at each other instead of with each other. We trampled on each other’s hearts, criticised and not once did we affirm each other as feminists should.
For centuries women have had problems working together, everyone wants the fame but not the struggle that comes with it. We want to shine by bringing others down. We suffer from a serious case of PHD (Pull Her Down) syndrome and yet we don’t see it. We see this with the many forms of feminisms that exist or have existed, it shows that when women disagree they see this as a reason to go off and form their own little groups; today we have womanists, revolutionarists and so forth and yet all we all want is the emancipation of all women.
Another good example is when the ANC Women’s League decided to collude against each other and vote for a man as President, a man we all know as the epitome of patriarchy and male chauvinism and yet our own mothers who claim to be fighting for women and women’s rights sold us all out and voted us straight 20 years back.
During the Zuma trial when he was accused of rape, there was evidence that “he slept” (he was acquitted of rape) with an HIV positive woman without using protection and took a shower so he wouldn’t get infected. When this happened, I thought the women of South Africa would wake up and see him for what he really is but to my shock and dismay there were women with “Zuma” T-shirts hurling slurs at the women who were on the other side with placards that read “Against her will, against the law”, it was our mothers that were burning the picture of the victim and spitting on it instead of standing together in solidarity.
How are we ever going to rule the world when we can’t even support each other through such painful times? Most African leaders have let women down for centuries and yet they continue to rule because of our votes. In countries where war is rife, women and children are the ones suffering the most…I watch the news everyday and my eyes water from the pain I feel for those women and I ask myself a question “how soon ‘til we’re next”, we sit here with all the opportunities to come together to make sure that our children and their children never face such famines, such pain, such hurt and scars that will be with them forever but yet we still fight over petty things like ownership and wanting things done our way.
When I set through that meeting, my heart was bleeding, not from the things said and not from the criticism but from the lack of thinking, the lack of timing and seeing such intelligent women reduce themselves to petty queens and a bunch that can’t stand change, especially when change happens without them and not on their terms.
The struggle within this sector is still a long way from revival and change will happen, younger activists and feminists will continue the struggle in their own terms, it’s inevitable and unstoppable and we should learn to let go and give credit where credit is due.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The lost Continent
Ten days ago, sitting in my flat, I would have never 
thought that the country I was once proud of would spin out of control in the way that it has.
The hatred and barbaric behaviour that South Africans have shown, is quite clear to me that we’ve lost respect for each other and the personhood. Why do I say the ‘personhood’? It’s because if we saw each other as human beings first, all these crimes against humanity would not exist.
These scenes that I’ve witnessed in the past few days are not new to this continent of ours. We’ve seen them in Rwanda, Burundi, Kenya, Uganda, Darfur, Zimbabwe and other African countries where Human Rights violations are the norm. Only when these acts are closer to home do we speak out and respond to crisis but when it’s happening to others, it’s okay because it’s not us that suffer. Are we ever going to learn to stop responding to crisis and work at eliminating all forms discrimination that might lead us to such. Prevention is better than cure.
These act of evident hatred did not start 10 days ago but they have been happening for years, it is only now that the visuals are so disturbing that everyone is feeling repulsed, shocked, ashamed and condemning these acts. For example, Sizakele Sigasa, Salome Masooa, Zoliswa Nkonyana and recently Eudy Simelane, these are women that have been brutally raped, tortured and murdered in the past two years in this country and all because they were different and the rest of the country disagreed with their lifestyle. No one said a single word to these injustices because in the eyes of Africans…they deserved it.
Today another form of hatred has shown its ugly head, xenophobia, and people have died including some South Africans and all because they look different. When are Africans going to learn that killing is not the answer and no one deserves to be treated like an animal regardless of their sexual orientation, race, colour of their skin, country of origin and all other factors that are different in every human?
For as long as we don’t learn that Human Rights are indivisible, we will have such acts of barbarism occurring everywhere and all the time. Tomorrow we will be killing other because they’re ‘short’ and we don’t like it and we will find a justification for it.
As women’s rights, lgbti rights, children’s rights defenders we should start acknowledging that all these rights we are fighting for, are Human Rights and we need to come together and fight these injustices for a better continent free of hate and discrimination in all its forms.
thought that the country I was once proud of would spin out of control in the way that it has.The hatred and barbaric behaviour that South Africans have shown, is quite clear to me that we’ve lost respect for each other and the personhood. Why do I say the ‘personhood’? It’s because if we saw each other as human beings first, all these crimes against humanity would not exist.
These scenes that I’ve witnessed in the past few days are not new to this continent of ours. We’ve seen them in Rwanda, Burundi, Kenya, Uganda, Darfur, Zimbabwe and other African countries where Human Rights violations are the norm. Only when these acts are closer to home do we speak out and respond to crisis but when it’s happening to others, it’s okay because it’s not us that suffer. Are we ever going to learn to stop responding to crisis and work at eliminating all forms discrimination that might lead us to such. Prevention is better than cure.
These act of evident hatred did not start 10 days ago but they have been happening for years, it is only now that the visuals are so disturbing that everyone is feeling repulsed, shocked, ashamed and condemning these acts. For example, Sizakele Sigasa, Salome Masooa, Zoliswa Nkonyana and recently Eudy Simelane, these are women that have been brutally raped, tortured and murdered in the past two years in this country and all because they were different and the rest of the country disagreed with their lifestyle. No one said a single word to these injustices because in the eyes of Africans…they deserved it.
Today another form of hatred has shown its ugly head, xenophobia, and people have died including some South Africans and all because they look different. When are Africans going to learn that killing is not the answer and no one deserves to be treated like an animal regardless of their sexual orientation, race, colour of their skin, country of origin and all other factors that are different in every human?
For as long as we don’t learn that Human Rights are indivisible, we will have such acts of barbarism occurring everywhere and all the time. Tomorrow we will be killing other because they’re ‘short’ and we don’t like it and we will find a justification for it.
As women’s rights, lgbti rights, children’s rights defenders we should start acknowledging that all these rights we are fighting for, are Human Rights and we need to come together and fight these injustices for a better continent free of hate and discrimination in all its forms.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Cry my beloved Country
What has happened to this once beautiful country and its people? I’m asking this with my head hung in shame; it is painful and heartbreaking to see our people being reduced to animals like this.
I was once a proud South African but now I’m even ashamed to be called one or be associated with this country. As a person that travels a lot to other African countries, I’ve never as a foreigner in their countries been treated the way we have been treating them.
My heart bleeds to all my brothers and sisters and especially because as a lesbian woman, I can relate to the discrimination they’re facing. Discrimination in all its forms is rife in Africa. It’s time our people realised that Human Rights are universal and indivisible and all human kind is entitled to them regardless.
I’m going to be blunt and realistic about us as South African people, you might not like what I’m going to say but it is a fact that we are all aware of.
South African men in particular, have lost their minds (I’m not talking about the minority that still have their senses because I know a lot of good guys, it’s sad they have to be packed with these idiots). These are the same people that expect ‘foreigners’ to come to South Africa in 2010 and bring their money. We are busy killing our own black brothers and sisters, I don’t see any Chinese, Italians being attacked instead I see my own reflection on TV being burnt and killed.
These idiots even have the guts to appear on television and justify their inhumane behaviours. Our damn so called President is silent (I’m sure he sees no crisis), all other politicians are silent too, they have nothing to say or they just don’t want to take any responsibility. A state of emergency needs to be declared and the army must intervene or a lot of people are going to die for nothing. I am so angry that I have about a million emotions going on in me.
My beloved country is going down and its people are not even aware, soon we will be like the likes of Zimbabwe, Darfur, Rwanda because this is headed towards a civil war. Our brothers have lost their minds and we can’t do anything about it.
They claim foreigners are taking their jobs and houses but I know very well that they don’t have jobs because of their laziness and not wanting to work for anything in their lives. They want handouts and that’s how it has been for years.
I walk in the townships and see brothers sitting in corners, smoking and drinking with no care in the world. They have the opportunity to go to schools but no, school is too formal for them. Schools have rules…they don’t want to be told what to do so they sit in corners and feel sorry for themselves and blame all their problems on everyone else except themselves.
First it was “blame everything on apartheid”, now it’s “blame everything on foreigners”…what will it be tomorrow?
In the news one of the residents of Alexandra mentioned that “foreigners take our jobs, they steal and they rape our women”. Now something is wrong with this statement, I don’t know what you think but something is really wrong here…let’s go back to what we’ve read in the news lately:
It is our South African fathers and brothers that are raping women, murdering women, beating women up and stealing…yes, a couple of times I’ve seen a foreign name appear in the news for crimes but it’s always been our own South African men and no one else. My fellow sister, Eudy Simelane a Banyana Banyana player was not gang raped and murdered by 7 FOREIGNERS; it was 7 brothers from ekasi (township), brothers she knew. Sizakele and Salome were not shot execution style and raped by FOREIGNERS …it was by brothers they knew. Gugu Dlamini was not stoned by foreigners but by her own community. Zoliswa Nkonyana from Khayelitsha was not stabbed, clubbed and killed by FOREIGNERS; it was 20 boys from her neighbourhood…SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY GOING ON ABOUT?!!!
I’m angry and amazed by how far South Africans will go to abdicate responsibility for their own lives and laziness.
We are heading towards self destruction and we don’t even see it.
MAY GOD BE WITH ALL OF US, we need holy intervention because we’re not going to get it from our politicians.
I was once a proud South African but now I’m even ashamed to be called one or be associated with this country. As a person that travels a lot to other African countries, I’ve never as a foreigner in their countries been treated the way we have been treating them.
My heart bleeds to all my brothers and sisters and especially because as a lesbian woman, I can relate to the discrimination they’re facing. Discrimination in all its forms is rife in Africa. It’s time our people realised that Human Rights are universal and indivisible and all human kind is entitled to them regardless.
I’m going to be blunt and realistic about us as South African people, you might not like what I’m going to say but it is a fact that we are all aware of.
South African men in particular, have lost their minds (I’m not talking about the minority that still have their senses because I know a lot of good guys, it’s sad they have to be packed with these idiots). These are the same people that expect ‘foreigners’ to come to South Africa in 2010 and bring their money. We are busy killing our own black brothers and sisters, I don’t see any Chinese, Italians being attacked instead I see my own reflection on TV being burnt and killed.
These idiots even have the guts to appear on television and justify their inhumane behaviours. Our damn so called President is silent (I’m sure he sees no crisis), all other politicians are silent too, they have nothing to say or they just don’t want to take any responsibility. A state of emergency needs to be declared and the army must intervene or a lot of people are going to die for nothing. I am so angry that I have about a million emotions going on in me.
My beloved country is going down and its people are not even aware, soon we will be like the likes of Zimbabwe, Darfur, Rwanda because this is headed towards a civil war. Our brothers have lost their minds and we can’t do anything about it.
They claim foreigners are taking their jobs and houses but I know very well that they don’t have jobs because of their laziness and not wanting to work for anything in their lives. They want handouts and that’s how it has been for years.
I walk in the townships and see brothers sitting in corners, smoking and drinking with no care in the world. They have the opportunity to go to schools but no, school is too formal for them. Schools have rules…they don’t want to be told what to do so they sit in corners and feel sorry for themselves and blame all their problems on everyone else except themselves.
First it was “blame everything on apartheid”, now it’s “blame everything on foreigners”…what will it be tomorrow?
In the news one of the residents of Alexandra mentioned that “foreigners take our jobs, they steal and they rape our women”. Now something is wrong with this statement, I don’t know what you think but something is really wrong here…let’s go back to what we’ve read in the news lately:
It is our South African fathers and brothers that are raping women, murdering women, beating women up and stealing…yes, a couple of times I’ve seen a foreign name appear in the news for crimes but it’s always been our own South African men and no one else. My fellow sister, Eudy Simelane a Banyana Banyana player was not gang raped and murdered by 7 FOREIGNERS; it was 7 brothers from ekasi (township), brothers she knew. Sizakele and Salome were not shot execution style and raped by FOREIGNERS …it was by brothers they knew. Gugu Dlamini was not stoned by foreigners but by her own community. Zoliswa Nkonyana from Khayelitsha was not stabbed, clubbed and killed by FOREIGNERS; it was 20 boys from her neighbourhood…SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY GOING ON ABOUT?!!!
I’m angry and amazed by how far South Africans will go to abdicate responsibility for their own lives and laziness.
We are heading towards self destruction and we don’t even see it.
MAY GOD BE WITH ALL OF US, we need holy intervention because we’re not going to get it from our politicians.
Friday, April 18, 2008
The existence within me
Ever wondered what this thing called love is? Many times I’ve set and wondered and ended up more confused than I was when I began thinking about it.
I look at all the people I’ve been with in the past and that I’ve loved or atleast I thought. I’ve toyed with the feeling for years searching for goosebumps, my heart to skip a beat, my knees to go weak or to think about nothing else but the person but then with every person the feeling is different.
Sometimes I even wonder if I’ve ever been in love or know what love is at all. I mean according to chick flicks and romance novels; love never goes away or fades away, but hell! Mine has faded more times than I can count (I’m sure everyone is nodding in agreement with me on this point). Think about it, as much as I’ve loved all the people I’ve been with, I’d never go back to them – the goosebumps have been replaced by a smooth skin, my knees are as strong as the pillars of a church. So was it love? Did I invent it in my little head or big heart, I don’t know.
But let’s admit it; the thought that some feeling or force can whisk you off your feet and render you stupid is very appealing. I find always being in control very boring and stale. Ever dated a stiff? Someone you wondered whether they have feeling at all, a plain zombie when it comes to emotions. I haven’t and thank god.
See I identify as something between butch and femme, some people refer to it as androgynous and some would say ‘soft butch’, whatever you call it, I’m IT; I’m emotional, sensitive, a total woman and I cry over a romantic moment in a chick flick or a sad scene in a drama, so yeah, I’m all woman and love it.
I’m what you’d call a total believer in love, sucker for love and all it stands for. Loving someone and being loved is a wonderful feeling; it’s like floating on a cloud.
Now back to its existence. I’ve watched my parents for years, watched how they communicate, do things and even though they don’t walk around looking like love-struck teenagers, they epitomise love as I believe it to be. As much as my father acts all serious and unmoved, I know he’d die for my mother as would my mother for him. 30 years of being together, living together and raising three beautiful children with more love than we can ever get from anywhere else and still they’ve kept it tight, but please don’t get me wrong, not without obstacles, heartaches and pain.
What is it about us youngsters or lesbian women that is lacking to the point that we can’t even last ‘til the end of the movie. A 5 year relationship with us is like a lifetime achievement, we run out of fuel or the will to make things work and we just let it go. I think most women still believe in ‘Mrs Right’ or ‘Mr Right’ if you swing that way and we forget to focus our energies on what we have now, we are always looking for the next best thing. We don’t like reality much either; when a relationship is still in its baby steps, where your partner still opens doors for you or rubs your feet when you get back from work, we’re at our peak but once things start to slow down, we whine and complain and focus on all the wrong things they do instead of accepting that the honeymoon is over and it’s time for some real work – communicating your needs and putting more effort in loving than documenting the wrongs.
Well, in my many years of loving, I’ve learnt that nothing is certain but that love truly exists whether for a moment or a lifetime. How did I come to this conclusion you wonder; did I get goosebumps? Did my heart skip a beat? Did my knees go weak? Yes, yes, yes but the feeling doesn’t last forever, soon reality kicks in and it’s time to work and keep the flame burning. Once in a while I look into my baby’s eyes and a brush of weakness in my knees pops up and time stands still as my heart skips a couple of beats and right there and then I’m reminded that loves lives in this heart of mine, I hold my baby tight, close my eyes and thank the lord for this existence.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Life’s mysteries
Ever wondered what life was all about or what the purpose of this rollercoaster is? I do it all the time and as expected, I never find the answer. At times I think that’s exactly the point, for us never to know the answer to this question and to live life to its fullest trying to find answers.
A couple of months back, after the break up with my fiancée. I found myself asking myself this elusive question over and over in my head. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out how things got so bad between the two of us and why it didn’t hurt the way I had thought it would. I’d remind myself of all those nights I lay there watching her sleeping peacefully next to me and I’d think to myself “I’d die if this relationship never works” or I’d be thinking “I’ll never get into another serious relationship if this one fails” or “I cannot imagine life without her”
Three years of building and crafting a relationship and to just decide it’s not what we want after that long. Everyone thought we were mad or someone had to have done something terrible to the other for this to happen and the truth of the matter is that nothing extreme happened…It just ended, as confusing as that sounds. So the next question in people’s minds becomes, “Did they even love each other at all?” the answer is absolutely, we were crazy about each other and we never even looked beyond life without each other (or atleast I didn’t). Oh I did look and notice other beautiful women and flirt in the process, any living being would do the same…I think but never did I take it to the next level. My cheating were my thoughts…I admit.
But after my long thoughts trying to figure this whole life thing out, I came to a realisation that I’ve grown as a person and a lover. Though it took a gazillion heartbreaks and stressing over losing someone…in the end I’m the lover I’ve always dreamt of being…a true Don-Juan Demarco ;-)
I loved with all my heart in that relationship and so my heart was fulfilled even though it ended, I had to move on. The world had other plans in mind for this lover and I’m content with this. In the end it feels great to understand some aspects of life. Imagine how many people have been hurt or have hurt others in this world…It is one big conundrum that we all belong to. If we were to spend our lives asking questions, crying and hurting but not moving on what lessons would we take from life…nothing. So we hurt and heal and the future looks even brighter than it did when we were dwelling in pain.
I remember when I was still in high school and one of my subjects was history. I used to enjoy my classes, learning about ‘The rise and fall of Hitler’, ‘Stalin’ and ‘The Anglo-Boer War’ just to mention a few. My teacher always said the reason for us to learn about these things was so that we don’t repeat them in the future. I found that to be an interesting point and a funny one at that because everything that we were learning about, was repeated over and over in the future hence the millions of history books.
The Boers did to the Africans (blacks) in South Africa the same thing that Hitler did to the Jews. George Bush is doing to Iraq what his father Bush Senior did in the Gulf War. Africans are doing the same to Gay people all over Africa, killing them and discriminating against us because of our sexual orientation, Christians think they’re better than everyone else. Everyone thinks that they know something more about life than the next person, whereas we all know nothing and it kills us not to understand or have answers for why some things are the way they are in the universe. All that History has taught me is that people do not like what doesn’t look, think, feel, like them or is different in any form or shape. It’s the philosophy of life, period.
Look at what’s happening in Zimbabwe. Robert Mugabe has lost his mind and he’s violating every human right in the book and no one is saying anything, instead we see him everyday on the news visiting other countries and shaking the hands of the so-called powerful people. Why is everyone silent?! Why is the world silent?! He walks around in his expensive suits, waving at the crowds that clearly bow down to him, they look so poor and so hungry but yet come next elections, they will put him back on that high pedestal.
Hitler had so much power in Germany; he turned the country into his own personal blood bath and no one said anything. He spoke of a perfect race of blonde and blue eyed people, he ordered his officers to kill black haired and brown eyed people but HE HAD BLACK HAIR AND BROWN EYES! Are you telling me no one could see that?
There’s a saying that says “The struggle never ends, it just changes form” and this is and will always be the way of the world and this thing we call life.
A couple of months back, after the break up with my fiancée. I found myself asking myself this elusive question over and over in my head. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out how things got so bad between the two of us and why it didn’t hurt the way I had thought it would. I’d remind myself of all those nights I lay there watching her sleeping peacefully next to me and I’d think to myself “I’d die if this relationship never works” or I’d be thinking “I’ll never get into another serious relationship if this one fails” or “I cannot imagine life without her”
Three years of building and crafting a relationship and to just decide it’s not what we want after that long. Everyone thought we were mad or someone had to have done something terrible to the other for this to happen and the truth of the matter is that nothing extreme happened…It just ended, as confusing as that sounds. So the next question in people’s minds becomes, “Did they even love each other at all?” the answer is absolutely, we were crazy about each other and we never even looked beyond life without each other (or atleast I didn’t). Oh I did look and notice other beautiful women and flirt in the process, any living being would do the same…I think but never did I take it to the next level. My cheating were my thoughts…I admit.
But after my long thoughts trying to figure this whole life thing out, I came to a realisation that I’ve grown as a person and a lover. Though it took a gazillion heartbreaks and stressing over losing someone…in the end I’m the lover I’ve always dreamt of being…a true Don-Juan Demarco ;-)
I loved with all my heart in that relationship and so my heart was fulfilled even though it ended, I had to move on. The world had other plans in mind for this lover and I’m content with this. In the end it feels great to understand some aspects of life. Imagine how many people have been hurt or have hurt others in this world…It is one big conundrum that we all belong to. If we were to spend our lives asking questions, crying and hurting but not moving on what lessons would we take from life…nothing. So we hurt and heal and the future looks even brighter than it did when we were dwelling in pain.
I remember when I was still in high school and one of my subjects was history. I used to enjoy my classes, learning about ‘The rise and fall of Hitler’, ‘Stalin’ and ‘The Anglo-Boer War’ just to mention a few. My teacher always said the reason for us to learn about these things was so that we don’t repeat them in the future. I found that to be an interesting point and a funny one at that because everything that we were learning about, was repeated over and over in the future hence the millions of history books.
The Boers did to the Africans (blacks) in South Africa the same thing that Hitler did to the Jews. George Bush is doing to Iraq what his father Bush Senior did in the Gulf War. Africans are doing the same to Gay people all over Africa, killing them and discriminating against us because of our sexual orientation, Christians think they’re better than everyone else. Everyone thinks that they know something more about life than the next person, whereas we all know nothing and it kills us not to understand or have answers for why some things are the way they are in the universe. All that History has taught me is that people do not like what doesn’t look, think, feel, like them or is different in any form or shape. It’s the philosophy of life, period.
Look at what’s happening in Zimbabwe. Robert Mugabe has lost his mind and he’s violating every human right in the book and no one is saying anything, instead we see him everyday on the news visiting other countries and shaking the hands of the so-called powerful people. Why is everyone silent?! Why is the world silent?! He walks around in his expensive suits, waving at the crowds that clearly bow down to him, they look so poor and so hungry but yet come next elections, they will put him back on that high pedestal.
Hitler had so much power in Germany; he turned the country into his own personal blood bath and no one said anything. He spoke of a perfect race of blonde and blue eyed people, he ordered his officers to kill black haired and brown eyed people but HE HAD BLACK HAIR AND BROWN EYES! Are you telling me no one could see that?
There’s a saying that says “The struggle never ends, it just changes form” and this is and will always be the way of the world and this thing we call life.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
My Birthday!
Today is my birthday, I’m turning 28! What a year it’s been…and here I am still alive and going strong. I’ve had my share of up and downs, lost friends and family and loved ones but then again that’s just life and the show must go on.My first birthday wishes at exactly 12am came from my two sisters (my babies)…I was so happy and excited, It took me a while to get back to sleep ;-) Only these two angels can manage to bring light into my life with just an sms. I love them to bits and pieces!
28 beautiful years on this earth, I must be the luckiest woman alive. I have a wonderful family, supportive friends and more people that love me more than I can imagine.
The skies lit up
Smiles on faces brightened the room
A beautiful little angel entered this world in tears
But they weren’t tears of fear, just tears of joy
Born to a family of so much love
The little seedling grew into a beautiful rose
Her smile brightened the world
The love she got shone through her eyes
A star had been born
And mother earth knew this and smiled at her
Today she embarks on another journey
A journey to put more smiles on more faces
Today she touches her bright future
Filled with love and joy
Her eyes twinkle with excitement as she looks forward to another year
Namhlanje kudansa izingelosi nabaphansi
Ngoba wena uzelwe
Phambili Mthembu ka Sodiza, Ntsele ka Linda Mkhonto
Ikusasa lakho lisezandleni zakho
Umvelinqangi ukuphile…kusebenzise kahle
Suk’olumnandi Sodiza!
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