Finding love

I remember growing up, everything was so easy in my mind and I thought it would happen exactly as i desired. I'd finish school, graduate from tertiary, get a job, earn lots of money, buy a car, buy a house and find the woman of my dreams, have our two children and live happily ever after! It was all so clear and possible and then oneday, with every year adding onto my age...reality was harder than I expected and finding love seemed to move further and further away from me...the harder I stretched, the further it went.

With life still continuing, I discovered that this is what most of us spend our lives looking for and some of us give up along the way and solid love seemed to have ended with my parents generations...the love roll out office closed down and left for good but the true romantic in me still believes there's hope, if we try harder, if we stay honest with each other and what we want and what we can give. I'm just a love hopeful and I refuse to believe that there's no true love out there. And with my experience of love over the years, i've seen quite a lot of things that kill love or the potential for growth in a relationship and the biggest one is selfishness in a relationship, the need to want to be heard but not hear the other person, no honest communication and no staying power!

So you're probably asking yourself, "so if you know so much about love or what makes it work or not work, then where is your love?" You have no idea how many times i've asked myself that question (without destroying the potential of my current relationship); like many others, i've found myself falling into the traps of love, losing sight of a good thing and slacking off into selfishness mode and i've also got issues with staying power!

What should we all do to make our relationships last? Hell don't ask me!!! :-) but I promise when I do find the trick, i'll definitely share it with you...for now, i'm going to try and not do what i know hasn't worked in the past and just love my woman. I'm going to play my part and hope that my partner is willing to work with me on this.

For the most part, i think we should just keep trying and never lose hope.

A dreamer of dreams

You have come to me from a distant land,
Dreamer of dreams, to fill my hearts desire,
Sweet music flowing from your nimble hand
That plays within... to light my passion's fire.

A symphony of word and thought you bring.
Excitement builds upon crescendo's sound,
Brought forth in tones to make my light heart sing
For all the beauty that, with you, I've found.

A life is changed in just an instant's time,
All darkness fled before that brilliant sun
That shines from spoken words of softest rhyme
And speaks of treasures, only just begun.

This mystic meeting gives my heart a glow
That few have seen and only you will know.

Poem By Gloria Jean Berry

My base is strong

My base is strong
The wind has tried to blow me from side to side
Life has tried to rattle me
women have tried to break me but...
my base is strong

Society has tried to wrong me
Men have tried to cut me down
Pain has tried to kill me but...
my base is strong

My human soul has almost given up
My weak heart has almost failed to beat
My brittle body has almost shut down but...
my base is strong

My base is strong
It is unmoved
unshakeable
unwaivering
it is my God
and my God lives through my family

My base is my family
and my base is strong

"C" seems to be my favourite letter lately :-)

I've been seeing a beautiful woman for a short while now; she's wonderful, everything that I love in a woman; sweet, sexy, intelligent, opinionated, loving, straight forward, says how she feels all the time...of course we all have our issues that we carry with us but those are things you discover about a person as you get to know them everyday and take them as they come.

Now that I’ve told you about this amazing woman, let me get to the gist of my story...lately I’ve been having all kinds of feelings; at some point I was stressed out about her ex, their relationship and how things ended between them, her feelings for me, who we are as individuals etc. and I found myself feeling more and more miserable everyday, then we sorted it out with a chat after she literally dragged the issue out of me. But I've also been having this thing that has been building up since the onset...I'm scared! shit scared! of how much I love her and the level, depth and speed in which that love is growing. When you've been hurt before, you can't help but think of that pain and how it feels and how you swore never ever to fall for anyone else or at least never expose your whole heart like that again but with every second I manage to spend with her, I find myself falling deeper and deeper with no brakes.

There's also another thing that I keep doing which I'm not sure if other people do it too or it's just me and my dysfunctional things...I can't help but day dream about what we could be together and imagining what life would be like with her...then I keep interrupting that dream with possible things that could go wrong and I eventually convince myself to hold back...to not need her too much...to not feel that gap when she's not around me...to not feel that girlie need for attention...to not let go and just feel and whenever I do this...I feel myself disconnecting from her...and that's not what I want but it seems to be a self preservation mechanism that I've developed over the years to shield my heart from pain. Some could say it's a form of running away and at times we run even before anything has happened. In my heart I know very well what I want...I want to shower her with so much love, I want her to know I need her...I want her...I want her to feel exactly what's in my heart...that she's all that's in it...she's the reason I wake up with a smile on my face everyday...that when I close my eyes at night, I imagine her beautiful face and my heart fills up with warmth all the way through to the tip of my toes...that I spend time thinking if she's eaten, if she's okay, if she needs anything, if she's warm, if she slept well, if she feels the heat in her heart that I feel in mine. She'll be away for two weeks and already I know I'm going to die from not having her around but I constantly keep myself in check not to seem too crazy ;-)

I sit here wondering how I can stop history from repeating itself...how I can just open myself up completely and let love control me instead of me trying to control where it goes and how it gets there. I want to love her without any boundaries, without any fear, without doubt and without my past experiences meddling in my current love for her.

What I know is that love is a wonderful thing...that there's no boundary to how much love you can give...that it's warm and fuzzy...that it grows if you give it space...that it envelopes you completely if you let it...shows you a beautiful side in you that you didn't know existed and that that is the best thing about love.

A new kind of love

Love and Sex or Love with Sex or Sex then love or Love then Sex...which ever way you look at it, it's one of those discussions that can probably go on forever. Is it possible to mistake sexual attraction for love and how do you know when you've fallen for someone and it's not influenced by the sex. Can love really not be influenced by sex?

You meet a gorgeous woman, you are already attracted to her; that part you know for a fact and you would give anything to get locked up in a room together for a night. Not only does her exterior raise your blood pressure but her brain, smile, walk, the way she looks when she's concentrating on something, how she gracefully touches things around her, her aura, everything that is her - get's you all twisted and turned inside out. You look forward to that day when she'll be close enough for you to feel her breath on your skin.

The day arrives...your hands can feel her skin, your lips taste hers and you can feel her heart beat against yours...you can't believe that you're here, that after such a long time of longing and wanting...you're finally getting...You hold her tight against you,letting all those emotions you've kept inside paint all over her...You feel like Da Vinci dancing on a canvas...You can hear her moaning in your ear...taking in the pleasure...You feel light-headed, like your whole body has elevated from the ground...Your bodies explore each other as if in a dance...Everythinng connects; your breathing, your movement, your eyes lock, your tongues wrestle, you're in heaven.

You were pretty sure that if you got this chance, the insanity of wanting and longing would calm down after your first dance but it seems you have just accelerated the feelings...now all you want is her in your arms - all the time...The feeling of love that you felt has now intensified a thousand more times than it was. You want more of her body but now you want more of her heart too. The question is, did the love intensify because we had sex? or we had sex because the love was already intense? Does it even matter which way around it happened? All i know is i'm falling so deep into the rabbit hole and there's no way out now. Just when i think it's impossible to love her any deeper than i already do; i surprise myself...the thought that i can even fall deeper than this is a scary one because with all that love comes a lot of hurt and pain but is that true?

Does love really have to equal hurt or is there a way of loving that we haven't explored as humans. A way where two people can love each other with respect, honesty and trust beyond what we think we're capable of. A love that is based on communicating even the smallest feeling or thought - whether negative or positive and knowing that your partner will not judge you or think little of you because of your thoughts. A love where I can be a total idiot with my partner but still not feel ashamed. A love that is not judgemental but is filled with growth. Growing together emotionally; growing as individuals but doing this together. This kind of love requires for one to open up totally...to totally surrender all of you to the other without reservation - your deepest thoughts, your darkest and deepest secrets - but can it be done? Can one really open up to that extent?

Let me know if you've found the answers and i will keep you posted on my journey to finding a new kind of love...a journey alone is terrible but i think i might have found some company on this one :-)

Just curious

What is it that connects sexual intimacy to the heart? Can we really have sex without feeling a bit attached to that person...unless ofcourse they really suck in the sack (but then i always say when you say the other person sucks in bed (and not the good suck you were hoping for) what are you doing? I think it's also just a reflection on you not being as good as you think you are either:-)...unless you think you tried all the tricks in the book and still she lay there like a door knob or did some amazingly shocking things that left you reaching down in a hurry to feel if you V-jayjay is still intact.

Let's talk about when it's good...and you want more of that without the complexities of a relationship. I've heard a lot of people say they have a no-strings-attached arrangement with someone or what we call FuBus (Fuck Buddies) or FWBs (Friends with benefits) then in the end one of them falls in love; most times both parties fall in love and at most unfortunate times, it's one sided, which must hurt like hell! So the question is how do we separate the heart from our lower areas? Is there a way to avoid turning a simple 'fuck'to a white picket fence, kids and a wedding? - in our heads ofcourse because realistically, most of these relationships don't last longer than the orgasms but some exceptions have turned out to be the best and longest relationships.

Ever had it so good, you screamed out "I love you!"? and right after you've touched heaven, and all senses have come back, you think "S&*%!!!" and you can't take it back; if you do then you break the poor woman's heart. Maybe a great idea would be to tape your mouth shut before every ride to heaven.


I've found myself in such a situation before, where the sex was so good...i saw wedding bells but as it turned out about a month later, she was the last person i would have ever dated had i known the type of person she was prior to doing the horizontal mambo. Getting out of the relationship was hard as it involved being honest and breaking someone's heart in the process, which i suck at! Did I learn my lesson then?;) well, ask me that question when i'm old and not having sex anymore; 'til then, i'm gonna keep hoping that i did learn the lesson because i haven't repeated that mistake in a while.

Personally i think you can have a FuBu and not get attached and you can remain friends even way after you decide to stop having sex. I have those too and have learned by trial and error how to separate a sexual relationship from a love relationship. There's obviously some kind of and level of love as well with the FuBu or FWB, otherwise you wouldn't be able to go through with it...but it's a different kind of love to being in love with someone.

This whole connection phenomenon makes me think of another issue that we can talk about some other time - Can you learn or unlearn to love someone?

The unexpected

She crept into my heart and I didn't know what hit me. Here I was taking a break from relationships and love, little did I know that you can't dictate the terms for your heart and love. I should have known better, being the love goddess that I am.

So who is this thief? You might ask...she is the figure that brings a dance to my soul, she is the music notes in a song that has caressed my soul, she is the fire in my heart, the sunshine in my life, the first and the last thought in my mind, everyday.

So you know by now :-)...when love finds me, I start going on and on about it...

If I knew over a decade ago, when I fell in love for the very first time that that process would continue for years to come but each time amplified a million times, then I would have done more cardio exercises to prepare my heart for the experience. Each time I love, I think there's no way I can love more than this and each time I surprise myself as to how much love I can feel, how much love I can give but also how much pain I can handle. I always say to my friends and siblings that pain and hurt will always be there but that we were born with coping mechanisms for pain and each time we survive it.

Why am I talking about pain and love in the same breath? Well because love is this beautiful, lovely feeling that just renders you stupid, you can't think straight, songs pop into your head and all of a sudden Brian Adams and Luther Vandross pop into your head humming a tune. Its so beautiful that we start getting scared of all this loveliness, start questioning it, try and forecast the future, try to fix the little minor imperfections that make it so great, we try and take over the driver's seat...forgetting that we were not driving when love came to us, love was the driver...we were just passengers enjoying the ride but we are greedy little beings who want to control everything, even the uncontrollable. We take over the driving, while we want to do everything else on the side and we crash! Then we say love hurts, but love doesn't hurt...it is us who bring pain into love then blame everyone else except ourselves.

Some reading this will definitely disagree but I bet at the back of your mind you're feeling me. This is why we always separate the honeymoon phase and the phase we call 'reality'...true there comes a time when we must park cloud 9 and take care of some worldly things but who said we must throw away the keys and not take a ride on that cloud once every while? When we stop trying to organise everything in our lives including the future (which we have no idea how it will turn out)and let love organise itself, we might succeed in finding this everlasting love that is so illusive...or so we think.

Back to the woman who makes me weak not only at the knees but every other joint in my body. She is the most unexpected person to take over this heart of mine...I definitely wasn't looking when she crept in and i'm sure she wasn't either when I crept into hers. I've known her for years ans she's one of those souls you just look at and think “OMG she's lovely” and that's it...she's so far from your league that you don't even think twice about anything; an embodiment of perfection and .passion that I was just happy admiring from afar 'til life decided to happen.

Like I said earlier...when you fall in love, on that journey down the rabbit hole, the love gods and goddesses of music creep in and hit you with a tune or two and this time Bruno Mars seems to be playing the right note for me because she's amazing just the way she is.

“Her eyes make the stars look like they're not shining”;

And to end with the chorus from the song that just explains what I see exactly the way it is...
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Moral of my usual going ons...Love will find you no matter how hard you try to hide away from it!