Finding love

I remember growing up, everything was so easy in my mind and I thought it would happen exactly as i desired. I'd finish school, graduate from tertiary, get a job, earn lots of money, buy a car, buy a house and find the woman of my dreams, have our two children and live happily ever after! It was all so clear and possible and then oneday, with every year adding onto my age...reality was harder than I expected and finding love seemed to move further and further away from me...the harder I stretched, the further it went.

With life still continuing, I discovered that this is what most of us spend our lives looking for and some of us give up along the way and solid love seemed to have ended with my parents generations...the love roll out office closed down and left for good but the true romantic in me still believes there's hope, if we try harder, if we stay honest with each other and what we want and what we can give. I'm just a love hopeful and I refuse to believe that there's no true love out there. And with my experience of love over the years, i've seen quite a lot of things that kill love or the potential for growth in a relationship and the biggest one is selfishness in a relationship, the need to want to be heard but not hear the other person, no honest communication and no staying power!

So you're probably asking yourself, "so if you know so much about love or what makes it work or not work, then where is your love?" You have no idea how many times i've asked myself that question (without destroying the potential of my current relationship); like many others, i've found myself falling into the traps of love, losing sight of a good thing and slacking off into selfishness mode and i've also got issues with staying power!

What should we all do to make our relationships last? Hell don't ask me!!! :-) but I promise when I do find the trick, i'll definitely share it with you...for now, i'm going to try and not do what i know hasn't worked in the past and just love my woman. I'm going to play my part and hope that my partner is willing to work with me on this.

For the most part, i think we should just keep trying and never lose hope.

A dreamer of dreams

You have come to me from a distant land,
Dreamer of dreams, to fill my hearts desire,
Sweet music flowing from your nimble hand
That plays within... to light my passion's fire.

A symphony of word and thought you bring.
Excitement builds upon crescendo's sound,
Brought forth in tones to make my light heart sing
For all the beauty that, with you, I've found.

A life is changed in just an instant's time,
All darkness fled before that brilliant sun
That shines from spoken words of softest rhyme
And speaks of treasures, only just begun.

This mystic meeting gives my heart a glow
That few have seen and only you will know.

Poem By Gloria Jean Berry

My base is strong

My base is strong
The wind has tried to blow me from side to side
Life has tried to rattle me
women have tried to break me but...
my base is strong

Society has tried to wrong me
Men have tried to cut me down
Pain has tried to kill me but...
my base is strong

My human soul has almost given up
My weak heart has almost failed to beat
My brittle body has almost shut down but...
my base is strong

My base is strong
It is unmoved
unshakeable
unwaivering
it is my God
and my God lives through my family

My base is my family
and my base is strong

"C" seems to be my favourite letter lately :-)

I've been seeing a beautiful woman for a short while now; she's wonderful, everything that I love in a woman; sweet, sexy, intelligent, opinionated, loving, straight forward, says how she feels all the time...of course we all have our issues that we carry with us but those are things you discover about a person as you get to know them everyday and take them as they come.

Now that I’ve told you about this amazing woman, let me get to the gist of my story...lately I’ve been having all kinds of feelings; at some point I was stressed out about her ex, their relationship and how things ended between them, her feelings for me, who we are as individuals etc. and I found myself feeling more and more miserable everyday, then we sorted it out with a chat after she literally dragged the issue out of me. But I've also been having this thing that has been building up since the onset...I'm scared! shit scared! of how much I love her and the level, depth and speed in which that love is growing. When you've been hurt before, you can't help but think of that pain and how it feels and how you swore never ever to fall for anyone else or at least never expose your whole heart like that again but with every second I manage to spend with her, I find myself falling deeper and deeper with no brakes.

There's also another thing that I keep doing which I'm not sure if other people do it too or it's just me and my dysfunctional things...I can't help but day dream about what we could be together and imagining what life would be like with her...then I keep interrupting that dream with possible things that could go wrong and I eventually convince myself to hold back...to not need her too much...to not feel that gap when she's not around me...to not feel that girlie need for attention...to not let go and just feel and whenever I do this...I feel myself disconnecting from her...and that's not what I want but it seems to be a self preservation mechanism that I've developed over the years to shield my heart from pain. Some could say it's a form of running away and at times we run even before anything has happened. In my heart I know very well what I want...I want to shower her with so much love, I want her to know I need her...I want her...I want her to feel exactly what's in my heart...that she's all that's in it...she's the reason I wake up with a smile on my face everyday...that when I close my eyes at night, I imagine her beautiful face and my heart fills up with warmth all the way through to the tip of my toes...that I spend time thinking if she's eaten, if she's okay, if she needs anything, if she's warm, if she slept well, if she feels the heat in her heart that I feel in mine. She'll be away for two weeks and already I know I'm going to die from not having her around but I constantly keep myself in check not to seem too crazy ;-)

I sit here wondering how I can stop history from repeating itself...how I can just open myself up completely and let love control me instead of me trying to control where it goes and how it gets there. I want to love her without any boundaries, without any fear, without doubt and without my past experiences meddling in my current love for her.

What I know is that love is a wonderful thing...that there's no boundary to how much love you can give...that it's warm and fuzzy...that it grows if you give it space...that it envelopes you completely if you let it...shows you a beautiful side in you that you didn't know existed and that that is the best thing about love.