My life's story

Chapter 1: When I was a young girl

12, 13 or maybe 15…can’t remember clearly how old I was but I do remember that it was around that age. I’ve always been a dreamer and from a young age I started thinking about how I would treat my woman, and what a good lover I’d be when I was older. Whenever we went to the mall with my parents, I’d watch beautiful, young couples walking by and imagine I was the woman’s partner. I couldn’t wait to get to their age.

When I finished High School; life seemed so bright and finally the years I’d been waiting for had arrived…I was off to Durban (about 650km away from Johannesburg). I imagined the blue ocean waters, women prancing around in bikinis and I in the middle. I was far away from home and could do anything and everything I’d always dreamt of. It was heaven!

The first day I arrived in Durban, was a hot summer day; the ocean was just as I had imagined it in my day dreams and even better, there were beautiful women all around me and I couldn’t wait to start living my life as per my dream plans. At night I imagined the fabulous time I was going to have with no parents around, no neighbours to tell my parents what I was getting up to…it was a dream come true for any 17year old.

The days went by…and I still had knots in my stomach from the excitement, tertiary was exhilarating…no teachers following me around to hand-in my homework, no parent telling me to wash the dishes, I was king of the castle. I made friends, failed a couple of class tests (which was just plain depressing), computers were just more difficult here than they were in High School…all that programming I had to do, when I didn’t even understand what the HELL my lecturer was going on about.

I met a guy who was also from Johannesburg (JHB) and went to the same school I went to…immediately we clicked…went around together on Campus and had a great time. There was something though about this guy that just made me love him…he was almost like me…in an uncanny kind of way. Whenever we went around Campus, he would look at guys in ways I’d never seen a guy look at other guys before…see, I hadn’t told him about my dreams and fantasies about women either, we had more comparable behaviours than I had imagined to have with anyone.

One day I decided to tell him about my dreams, interests and fantasies about women, and the intense attractions I had for them but was not sure whether I wanted to label myself as a homosexual or bisexual since I’d never had any relations with a woman before. He then told me about his attractions towards men but also had the same problem as me, as he still had a girlfriend back home. Needless to say that we became even more close and went on the road to ‘discovering our sexuality’ together…those were good times. We also had our first hate crime experience together, where we were attacked by taxi drivers at the taxi rank, while we were walking one of our extremely flamboyant friends to his taxis. An eye opening incident, that brought me back to reality regarding my sexuality and its acceptance.

My first (serious) kiss with a woman

There I was two years later, still in Durban and loving my life. Round about this time, I had met a whole group of gay and lesbian people from all over South Africa and had shaken off the thought that I was the only moffie (gay person) in the whole world…which freaked me out when I was younger because I thought I was really ‘abnormal’ and that the things I had read about gay people being ‘evil’ were true.

I was at a gay club with a group of friends…we went outside to take a break after a serious session on the dance floor. And like an angel from the sky, this beautiful woman walked up to us and asked for a cigarette lighter, I was dumbfounded and couldn’t say a word (I was just a 19 year old that had never approached a woman my whole life…give me a break), my friend jumped up and gave her a lighter…I was still seating there looking like a total schmuck, with my bottom lip almost touching the ground and my heart racing like a Lamborghini on the race track.

She just stood there and smiled at me, like my heart was just seating there in the open for all to see. Eventually after what seemed like forever…I said “hi”, and the rest is history. Our first kiss…I swear I heard the angels sing and god saying “that’s my girl”…my heart skipped a beat, my knees went wobbly and my whole body went limp…it was perfect and I would never change that moment for anything, even though at the back of my mind I kept asking myself “Am I doing it right? It feels right…but does it feel right to her?”

Ohhh the beauties of being young and the growing pains we go through everyday of our lives.

To be continued…

God.Fear.Money

This is one of my favourite songs lately...it's powerful and to the point.

(From the album "COOKIE: THE ANTHROPOLOGICAL MIXTAPE")
by Me'Shell NdegeOcello

Yeah God shinin' the light
He just turned on the spotlight
Yo, check it
The devil
Put you on display
Yeah
I say
I used to believe
Everything
I read
Seen on TV
I was way down for the revolution
Until I found out
It was contingent on some
Corporate sponsorship
And if
Jesus was alive today
He'd be incarcerated
With the rest of the brothers
While uh
The devil would have a great apartment
On the upper east side
Be a guest V.J.
On total request live
God, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
I say god, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
Yes you do, lord
I say Mary don't you weep
Mary don't you moan
Lord have mercy
Come carry me home
And my
Love
Who up in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
And if you truly are the shepherd
Why do they want to destroy
Slaughter all in your name
Tell me
God, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
Yes you do
God, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
God, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
Walk the walk
If you gonna talk that talk
Politicians
God, fear and money
The devil's work is never done
God
The devil's work is never done
The devil's work is never done
God
The devil's work is never done
The devil's work is never done
Free yourself from the chains
The devil's work is never done
Yeah
God, fear and money

The End…

Association with you brings…
Exasperation…in my heart…
Dejection sits…still you…
Persist but only make me…
Despise you more for not understanding
Cracks of my broken heart leads to the
Termination of our connection as I confirm the end
Reality is I’m...
Sad without you

© Sky 10/4/2006

A girl's best friend

It’s very rare as a girl to find one guy that you really get along with and knowing that he won’t turn on you one day and tell you he’s had a crush on you ever since you became friends. That may sound sweet in the movies but not with me, I hate it when a guy knows my sexual preference then spring something like that on me…don’t get me wrong, being liked is flattering but a NO is a NO.

So I feel very lucky to have a friend/brother like Sabelo, he’s sweet, intelligent, ambitious and very down to earth. I met him over a year ago when he came to our offices to work on starting his organisation; I ended up getting involved in SAYLO (South African Youth Liberating Organisation), any organisation looking at informing our youth on issues affecting them including HIV/Aids, Peer pressure and how to deal with them.

During his time at Behind the Mask, I got to know the young 20 year old and we got along like a house on fire. We talked about anything and everything, even cried together at times.

Beginning of March 2006, he got funding and had to leave to start an office for his organisation in Escourt, KwaZulu-Natal. I was really happy for him but sad that I won’t have someone to crack stupid jokes and talk about women with.

Life is a strange experience, we meet people that make an impact on our lives, whether positive or negative but we learn from them then we move on, only to meet more people to love and cherish and sometime lose them to death.

So maybe some girl’s best friends are diamonds…mine is Sabelo.

© 04/4/2006

April fools day –

I wish the news were just another joke

I woke up exhilarated to see another day
The night before I had prayed to God my soul to keep
And that should I die, I pray for God my life to take

Little did I know that while I was sleeping peacefully
A friend was taking her last breath
Funny how life gives us 9 months to prepare then takes without warning
You will be missed my friend

The only image I have in my head is of your smile
Though I know you suffered in pain
I’m glad I got the chance to know your warm smile
Lala kahle 'Baba ka Gundi '

All you troubles are gone now
We will be left with the pain of losing you
But we will rejoice for you have finally rested
Oneday the hurt of the world will be gone
And your struggles will have given someone else freedom

I love you and will miss you.

R.I.P My dear friend

I…

By Sky

I hide
I hide from the pain exerted on me by my society
Smile like the world is fair
Still life is sweeter with my baby by my side

I hear
I hear men of the cloth tell me how evil I am
I look at my reflection and all I see is unsullied perfection
Perfection made in the likeness of the one they claim to serve

I see
I see them pretending to preach the word of God
I see them twist the truth to promote their hatred
Yet they call me evil

Why won’t you see me for who I am
Why won’t you let me smile
Why won’t you let me be
Why do you want to hurt me when I’ve done nothing to you

I know
I know your day will come
When God shall rid me of this pain and fear
That day is the one thing that keeps me going
The day when I will rest and finally sleep peacefully


© 27/3/2006