Monday, October 09, 2006

Chapter 4: Back in JHB

Here I was back home, jobless, still missing my ex-girlfriend from Durban but because I had told myself I needed to go on with my life, one Sunday morning I decided to go to a gay church and there she was this beautiful mature woman, singing in the church choir. Needless to say I went to church every Sunday after that. I was told she had a partner already so I tried to back off but the urge was too strong and I eventually made a move and she responded. We hooked up and started getting to know each other, then one thing led to another.

She would visit my house as I was still staying with my parents. We enjoyed each other’s company and had great sex but there was one problem, she was still staying with her partner at the time. For four years I had lived on my own in Durban, could do anything I wanted to do in my own time and pace, now here I was at home and couldn’t even have privacy with my woman. I was getting a bit frustrated with the arrangements and the fact that I wasn’t getting a job either was starting to get to me.

We went on dating on the DL (Down low), the thought of being caught was invigorating. She eventually broke it off with her partner who wasn’t impressed with me at all. We were so in love and enjoyed each other’s company a whole lot but our relationship had signs of doom from the beginning. We never saw eyes to eye and argued almost all the time, whenever we had a fight she would say I didn’t love her. She loved her friends and going out that she pushed everything else to the side, including herself. I spoke to her many times about how I felt and how she needed to change in order for her life to improve. Now I’ll admit, I’m a pushover when it comes to women and at that time I was afraid of being alone if we broke up and so I tried to keep the peace within the relationship, even though it was clear we were not meant to be together.

There was one incident that made things clear for me. I was starting to get into the whole JHB lesbian scene, enjoying myself and meeting new people all the time. During that time I met a very interesting woman, Kay. She was fun, intelligent, extremely sexy and I liked her. Even though I was attracted to her, I refrained from acting on the feelings. Then one afternoon we decided to go and have coffee after work, she needed to talk as she had a fight with her boss. We met and had a great time but someone who knew us called my partner and told her I was out with someone else.

We got into a big fight about it and even broke up for a couple of days, when we eventually talked about the incident, she explained to me that she would take me back only if I never speak to my newfound friend ever again…that’s when I realised how controlling she was and how I could never survive in the relationship but because I wasn’t ready to lose her, I agreed but of course I continued talking to my friend (we’re still good friends even today).

It was downhill from then on as we continued to fight all the time. We’d make up on one thing and something else would come up, this wasn’t what I wanted in a relationship and clearly we both hated that. I had to look deep down within myself as to what I wanted, and each time I decided this wasn’t it; the fear of starting another relationship would consume me and I would apologise to her for whatever it was that we were fighting over, and then the circle would start all over again; we fight…we make up…this was the story of our life.

One day I think we both had had enough of the fighting, the love I had for her started dwindling away and I knew there was nothing left for us to make up. I think she also felt the same way and after a year we decided to let go. Even though I had gone through losing a lover before, it still hurt really bad but life goes on. There comes a time when you get over someone, no matter how much you loved them, you learn to move on without them and the pain of losing them becomes a part of you, something you can live with.

By this time I had really given up on falling in love and being together forever. I told myself that I’d just go with the flow, if I met a girl I liked then I’d just take it slow and see where it takes me.

I was still in contact with my ex-girl from Durban. I told her of what had happened and we both decided to meet in Newcastle, halfway between JHB and Durban to visit a school friend of ours. We spent the whole weekend in wonderland, talking and just holding each other. We spoke about things we had planned to do when we were still together and laughed about things we had done during those years. It was then that I realised that more than anything we were very good friends. It was refreshing and I was convinced I would never meet anyone else that I would love as much as I loved her.

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