Tuesday, June 07, 2011

"C" seems to be my favourite letter lately :-)

I've been seeing a beautiful woman for a short while now; she's wonderful, everything that I love in a woman; sweet, sexy, intelligent, opinionated, loving, straight forward, says how she feels all the time...of course we all have our issues that we carry with us but those are things you discover about a person as you get to know them everyday and take them as they come.

Now that I’ve told you about this amazing woman, let me get to the gist of my story...lately I’ve been having all kinds of feelings; at some point I was stressed out about her ex, their relationship and how things ended between them, her feelings for me, who we are as individuals etc. and I found myself feeling more and more miserable everyday, then we sorted it out with a chat after she literally dragged the issue out of me. But I've also been having this thing that has been building up since the onset...I'm scared! shit scared! of how much I love her and the level, depth and speed in which that love is growing. When you've been hurt before, you can't help but think of that pain and how it feels and how you swore never ever to fall for anyone else or at least never expose your whole heart like that again but with every second I manage to spend with her, I find myself falling deeper and deeper with no brakes.

There's also another thing that I keep doing which I'm not sure if other people do it too or it's just me and my dysfunctional things...I can't help but day dream about what we could be together and imagining what life would be like with her...then I keep interrupting that dream with possible things that could go wrong and I eventually convince myself to hold back...to not need her too much...to not feel that gap when she's not around me...to not feel that girlie need for attention...to not let go and just feel and whenever I do this...I feel myself disconnecting from her...and that's not what I want but it seems to be a self preservation mechanism that I've developed over the years to shield my heart from pain. Some could say it's a form of running away and at times we run even before anything has happened. In my heart I know very well what I want...I want to shower her with so much love, I want her to know I need her...I want her...I want her to feel exactly what's in my heart...that she's all that's in it...she's the reason I wake up with a smile on my face everyday...that when I close my eyes at night, I imagine her beautiful face and my heart fills up with warmth all the way through to the tip of my toes...that I spend time thinking if she's eaten, if she's okay, if she needs anything, if she's warm, if she slept well, if she feels the heat in her heart that I feel in mine. She'll be away for two weeks and already I know I'm going to die from not having her around but I constantly keep myself in check not to seem too crazy ;-)

I sit here wondering how I can stop history from repeating itself...how I can just open myself up completely and let love control me instead of me trying to control where it goes and how it gets there. I want to love her without any boundaries, without any fear, without doubt and without my past experiences meddling in my current love for her.

What I know is that love is a wonderful thing...that there's no boundary to how much love you can give...that it's warm and fuzzy...that it grows if you give it space...that it envelopes you completely if you let it...shows you a beautiful side in you that you didn't know existed and that that is the best thing about love.


Anonymous said...

I completely relate to this. Very captivated by your emotion!


Sky said...

Thank you Stacy.

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