Tuesday, April 25, 2006

My life's story

Chapter 1: When I was a young girl

12, 13 or maybe 15…can’t remember clearly how old I was but I do remember that it was around that age. I’ve always been a dreamer and from a young age I started thinking about how I would treat my woman, and what a good lover I’d be when I was older. Whenever we went to the mall with my parents, I’d watch beautiful, young couples walking by and imagine I was the woman’s partner. I couldn’t wait to get to their age.

When I finished High School; life seemed so bright and finally the years I’d been waiting for had arrived…I was off to Durban (about 650km away from Johannesburg). I imagined the blue ocean waters, women prancing around in bikinis and I in the middle. I was far away from home and could do anything and everything I’d always dreamt of. It was heaven!

The first day I arrived in Durban, was a hot summer day; the ocean was just as I had imagined it in my day dreams and even better, there were beautiful women all around me and I couldn’t wait to start living my life as per my dream plans. At night I imagined the fabulous time I was going to have with no parents around, no neighbours to tell my parents what I was getting up to…it was a dream come true for any 17year old.

The days went by…and I still had knots in my stomach from the excitement, tertiary was exhilarating…no teachers following me around to hand-in my homework, no parent telling me to wash the dishes, I was king of the castle. I made friends, failed a couple of class tests (which was just plain depressing), computers were just more difficult here than they were in High School…all that programming I had to do, when I didn’t even understand what the HELL my lecturer was going on about.

I met a guy who was also from Johannesburg (JHB) and went to the same school I went to…immediately we clicked…went around together on Campus and had a great time. There was something though about this guy that just made me love him…he was almost like me…in an uncanny kind of way. Whenever we went around Campus, he would look at guys in ways I’d never seen a guy look at other guys before…see, I hadn’t told him about my dreams and fantasies about women either, we had more comparable behaviours than I had imagined to have with anyone.

One day I decided to tell him about my dreams, interests and fantasies about women, and the intense attractions I had for them but was not sure whether I wanted to label myself as a homosexual or bisexual since I’d never had any relations with a woman before. He then told me about his attractions towards men but also had the same problem as me, as he still had a girlfriend back home. Needless to say that we became even more close and went on the road to ‘discovering our sexuality’ together…those were good times. We also had our first hate crime experience together, where we were attacked by taxi drivers at the taxi rank, while we were walking one of our extremely flamboyant friends to his taxis. An eye opening incident, that brought me back to reality regarding my sexuality and its acceptance.

My first (serious) kiss with a woman

There I was two years later, still in Durban and loving my life. Round about this time, I had met a whole group of gay and lesbian people from all over South Africa and had shaken off the thought that I was the only moffie (gay person) in the whole world…which freaked me out when I was younger because I thought I was really ‘abnormal’ and that the things I had read about gay people being ‘evil’ were true.

I was at a gay club with a group of friends…we went outside to take a break after a serious session on the dance floor. And like an angel from the sky, this beautiful woman walked up to us and asked for a cigarette lighter, I was dumbfounded and couldn’t say a word (I was just a 19 year old that had never approached a woman my whole life…give me a break), my friend jumped up and gave her a lighter…I was still seating there looking like a total schmuck, with my bottom lip almost touching the ground and my heart racing like a Lamborghini on the race track.

She just stood there and smiled at me, like my heart was just seating there in the open for all to see. Eventually after what seemed like forever…I said “hi”, and the rest is history. Our first kiss…I swear I heard the angels sing and god saying “that’s my girl”…my heart skipped a beat, my knees went wobbly and my whole body went limp…it was perfect and I would never change that moment for anything, even though at the back of my mind I kept asking myself “Am I doing it right? It feels right…but does it feel right to her?”

Ohhh the beauties of being young and the growing pains we go through everyday of our lives.

To be continued…


Anonymous said...

Hey sis,i have enjoyed your story and on top of that i have learnt a few things which i will use during my "counseling sessions" to help my clients.Cannot wait for the continuation.Are we gona read about more gals.lol kasha

Anonymous said...

Hi,I was wondering about HIV programs at home. I am in the states and wanted to know contact...Are you still connected..

Anonymous said...

hey u
still cant bliv u were in durbs 2wks ago and we ddnt meet but hey...
am enjoying reading abt yo life
and being from durbs i can imagine all the places u are talkin abt.
truly sad but true abt most of the things u mention....

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