Friday, April 18, 2008

The existence within me

Ever wondered what this thing called love is? Many times I’ve set and wondered and ended up more confused than I was when I began thinking about it.

I look at all the people I’ve been with in the past and that I’ve loved or atleast I thought. I’ve toyed with the feeling for years searching for goosebumps, my heart to skip a beat, my knees to go weak or to think about nothing else but the person but then with every person the feeling is different.

Sometimes I even wonder if I’ve ever been in love or know what love is at all. I mean according to chick flicks and romance novels; love never goes away or fades away, but hell! Mine has faded more times than I can count (I’m sure everyone is nodding in agreement with me on this point). Think about it, as much as I’ve loved all the people I’ve been with, I’d never go back to them – the goosebumps have been replaced by a smooth skin, my knees are as strong as the pillars of a church. So was it love? Did I invent it in my little head or big heart, I don’t know.

But let’s admit it; the thought that some feeling or force can whisk you off your feet and render you stupid is very appealing. I find always being in control very boring and stale. Ever dated a stiff? Someone you wondered whether they have feeling at all, a plain zombie when it comes to emotions. I haven’t and thank god.

See I identify as something between butch and femme, some people refer to it as androgynous and some would say ‘soft butch’, whatever you call it, I’m IT; I’m emotional, sensitive, a total woman and I cry over a romantic moment in a chick flick or a sad scene in a drama, so yeah, I’m all woman and love it.

I’m what you’d call a total believer in love, sucker for love and all it stands for. Loving someone and being loved is a wonderful feeling; it’s like floating on a cloud.

Now back to its existence. I’ve watched my parents for years, watched how they communicate, do things and even though they don’t walk around looking like love-struck teenagers, they epitomise love as I believe it to be. As much as my father acts all serious and unmoved, I know he’d die for my mother as would my mother for him. 30 years of being together, living together and raising three beautiful children with more love than we can ever get from anywhere else and still they’ve kept it tight, but please don’t get me wrong, not without obstacles, heartaches and pain.

What is it about us youngsters or lesbian women that is lacking to the point that we can’t even last ‘til the end of the movie. A 5 year relationship with us is like a lifetime achievement, we run out of fuel or the will to make things work and we just let it go. I think most women still believe in ‘Mrs Right’ or ‘Mr Right’ if you swing that way and we forget to focus our energies on what we have now, we are always looking for the next best thing. We don’t like reality much either; when a relationship is still in its baby steps, where your partner still opens doors for you or rubs your feet when you get back from work, we’re at our peak but once things start to slow down, we whine and complain and focus on all the wrong things they do instead of accepting that the honeymoon is over and it’s time for some real work – communicating your needs and putting more effort in loving than documenting the wrongs.

Well, in my many years of loving, I’ve learnt that nothing is certain but that love truly exists whether for a moment or a lifetime. How did I come to this conclusion you wonder; did I get goosebumps? Did my heart skip a beat? Did my knees go weak? Yes, yes, yes but the feeling doesn’t last forever, soon reality kicks in and it’s time to work and keep the flame burning. Once in a while I look into my baby’s eyes and a brush of weakness in my knees pops up and time stands still as my heart skips a couple of beats and right there and then I’m reminded that loves lives in this heart of mine, I hold my baby tight, close my eyes and thank the lord for this existence.


Anonymous said...

Wow, sky, I get weak at the knees just reading your post. I'm yet to meet anyone more articulate.

I think you have struck the nail in the head... whether love is temporary or permanent, the goosebump feeling tend to be the same.

I have found that baggages we carry into relationships prevent us from exploring our feelings to the full, therefore denying ourselves of that wonderful feeling of being hopelessly in love.

Some questions that I've always had... can 2 (or more) people make one weak at the knees at the same time? Is it true that one one can love many people just because they fulfill different needs?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, just when I thought I have finally come to understand what love is, it eludes me again.

You see, I'm an absolutely hopeless romantic, a slave of love if you like, but what exactly does that mean? Is the world ready for such people? My experience tells me otherwise! Somehow people, at least those I have met, tend to enjoy the mystery and the unprecitability of a relationship. They even opt to remain in abusive relationships because subconciously, they get a rush from such (obviously some stay because they think there's no way out).

Much as it is difficult to bid farewell to the person you love, it's better to do so knowing that you gave it your all, did your best, but your best was just not good enough. Afterall, everybody is free to love who they choose to love. We just have to be greatful that somewhere along the way we do meet people who can, and are willing, to reciprocate our feelings. A countless number of times I have loved where I was not loved... ouch!!

I'm still waiting for the day when I will hold my baby tight and know that they have found a PERMANENT refuge in my arms, and me in theirs...I'm still waiting to exhale!!

Anonymous said...


If only for a moment
I could hold her very close to me
And hear the beat of her heart
And feel the watmth of her torso
If only for a moment

If only for a moment
I could get a chance
To share with her the love I feel
To dance with her til the moonlight
Even if it's for a moment

If only for a moment
I could look deep into her eyes
And watch her fall to sleep
With me by her side
If only for a moment

Each day I live in pain
Of knowing that the love I feel
Might never be shared
Even for a moment

flutterfbies said...

Sky I still Love you !! goose bumps everyday? maybe not but I Love you always
from: an x (2006)

YC said...

So often we expect the love of our life to come packaged in a certain way. We all have dreams of a perfect relationship, with a perfect person.

But what happens when a perfect person comes along but for some reason you can't be together? Do you give up on the dream and carry on searching? Do you hang around in the hope that the circumstances will change?

You see, I'm in this situation. I met someone who epitomises everything I ever dreamt of. She "gets" me and I "get" her, it's that simple. We can chat for hours on end and not be bored with each other... now that's what I call connecting.
She's a genuinely good person with both her feet firmly planted to the ground, and a good head on her shoulders. In fact, although she is drop-dead gorgeous, it's her personality that has drawn me to her even more. She just has this refreshing way about her.

My idea of a good relatioship is not about ripping each other's clothes off... it's far deeper than that. The main ingredient of a sound relationshiop is being able to communicate and 'get' each other . Sometimetimes your partner should be able to know what you are going to say even before you say it.

Ok, back to me and my angel... I'm greatful for her because I know that even if we never get to experience love together, I have found in her friendship that has enriched my life more than I could ever imagine, and I'm eternally grateful for that. In life we can't always get what we want... but we live in hope.

So yeah, I know all about the 'existence within me'.

Anonymous said...

Wow great read and need i say how articulate.
Was always a heterosexual and boom one day fell in love with someone of the same gender. Confused noooo and not a care in the world because all was perfect we understood each other and connected spot on.
Three years down the line we like complete strangers no depth in our communication as before....'just total strangers'.
So yes love can be temporary and be so perfect at the same time..........

Entle said...

im getting all teary now hay....

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