The existence within me

Ever wondered what this thing called love is? Many times I’ve set and wondered and ended up more confused than I was when I began thinking about it.

I look at all the people I’ve been with in the past and that I’ve loved or atleast I thought. I’ve toyed with the feeling for years searching for goosebumps, my heart to skip a beat, my knees to go weak or to think about nothing else but the person but then with every person the feeling is different.

Sometimes I even wonder if I’ve ever been in love or know what love is at all. I mean according to chick flicks and romance novels; love never goes away or fades away, but hell! Mine has faded more times than I can count (I’m sure everyone is nodding in agreement with me on this point). Think about it, as much as I’ve loved all the people I’ve been with, I’d never go back to them – the goosebumps have been replaced by a smooth skin, my knees are as strong as the pillars of a church. So was it love? Did I invent it in my little head or big heart, I don’t know.

But let’s admit it; the thought that some feeling or force can whisk you off your feet and render you stupid is very appealing. I find always being in control very boring and stale. Ever dated a stiff? Someone you wondered whether they have feeling at all, a plain zombie when it comes to emotions. I haven’t and thank god.

See I identify as something between butch and femme, some people refer to it as androgynous and some would say ‘soft butch’, whatever you call it, I’m IT; I’m emotional, sensitive, a total woman and I cry over a romantic moment in a chick flick or a sad scene in a drama, so yeah, I’m all woman and love it.

I’m what you’d call a total believer in love, sucker for love and all it stands for. Loving someone and being loved is a wonderful feeling; it’s like floating on a cloud.

Now back to its existence. I’ve watched my parents for years, watched how they communicate, do things and even though they don’t walk around looking like love-struck teenagers, they epitomise love as I believe it to be. As much as my father acts all serious and unmoved, I know he’d die for my mother as would my mother for him. 30 years of being together, living together and raising three beautiful children with more love than we can ever get from anywhere else and still they’ve kept it tight, but please don’t get me wrong, not without obstacles, heartaches and pain.

What is it about us youngsters or lesbian women that is lacking to the point that we can’t even last ‘til the end of the movie. A 5 year relationship with us is like a lifetime achievement, we run out of fuel or the will to make things work and we just let it go. I think most women still believe in ‘Mrs Right’ or ‘Mr Right’ if you swing that way and we forget to focus our energies on what we have now, we are always looking for the next best thing. We don’t like reality much either; when a relationship is still in its baby steps, where your partner still opens doors for you or rubs your feet when you get back from work, we’re at our peak but once things start to slow down, we whine and complain and focus on all the wrong things they do instead of accepting that the honeymoon is over and it’s time for some real work – communicating your needs and putting more effort in loving than documenting the wrongs.

Well, in my many years of loving, I’ve learnt that nothing is certain but that love truly exists whether for a moment or a lifetime. How did I come to this conclusion you wonder; did I get goosebumps? Did my heart skip a beat? Did my knees go weak? Yes, yes, yes but the feeling doesn’t last forever, soon reality kicks in and it’s time to work and keep the flame burning. Once in a while I look into my baby’s eyes and a brush of weakness in my knees pops up and time stands still as my heart skips a couple of beats and right there and then I’m reminded that loves lives in this heart of mine, I hold my baby tight, close my eyes and thank the lord for this existence.