Finding love

I remember growing up, everything was so easy in my mind and I thought it would happen exactly as i desired. I'd finish school, graduate from tertiary, get a job, earn lots of money, buy a car, buy a house and find the woman of my dreams, have our two children and live happily ever after! It was all so clear and possible and then oneday, with every year adding onto my age...reality was harder than I expected and finding love seemed to move further and further away from me...the harder I stretched, the further it went.

With life still continuing, I discovered that this is what most of us spend our lives looking for and some of us give up along the way and solid love seemed to have ended with my parents generations...the love roll out office closed down and left for good but the true romantic in me still believes there's hope, if we try harder, if we stay honest with each other and what we want and what we can give. I'm just a love hopeful and I refuse to believe that there's no true love out there. And with my experience of love over the years, i've seen quite a lot of things that kill love or the potential for growth in a relationship and the biggest one is selfishness in a relationship, the need to want to be heard but not hear the other person, no honest communication and no staying power!

So you're probably asking yourself, "so if you know so much about love or what makes it work or not work, then where is your love?" You have no idea how many times i've asked myself that question (without destroying the potential of my current relationship); like many others, i've found myself falling into the traps of love, losing sight of a good thing and slacking off into selfishness mode and i've also got issues with staying power!

What should we all do to make our relationships last? Hell don't ask me!!! :-) but I promise when I do find the trick, i'll definitely share it with you...for now, i'm going to try and not do what i know hasn't worked in the past and just love my woman. I'm going to play my part and hope that my partner is willing to work with me on this.

For the most part, i think we should just keep trying and never lose hope.

A dreamer of dreams

You have come to me from a distant land,
Dreamer of dreams, to fill my hearts desire,
Sweet music flowing from your nimble hand
That plays within... to light my passion's fire.

A symphony of word and thought you bring.
Excitement builds upon crescendo's sound,
Brought forth in tones to make my light heart sing
For all the beauty that, with you, I've found.

A life is changed in just an instant's time,
All darkness fled before that brilliant sun
That shines from spoken words of softest rhyme
And speaks of treasures, only just begun.

This mystic meeting gives my heart a glow
That few have seen and only you will know.

Poem By Gloria Jean Berry

My base is strong

My base is strong
The wind has tried to blow me from side to side
Life has tried to rattle me
women have tried to break me but...
my base is strong

Society has tried to wrong me
Men have tried to cut me down
Pain has tried to kill me but...
my base is strong

My human soul has almost given up
My weak heart has almost failed to beat
My brittle body has almost shut down but...
my base is strong

My base is strong
It is unmoved
unshakeable
unwaivering
it is my God
and my God lives through my family

My base is my family
and my base is strong

"C" seems to be my favourite letter lately :-)

I've been seeing a beautiful woman for a short while now; she's wonderful, everything that I love in a woman; sweet, sexy, intelligent, opinionated, loving, straight forward, says how she feels all the time...of course we all have our issues that we carry with us but those are things you discover about a person as you get to know them everyday and take them as they come.

Now that I’ve told you about this amazing woman, let me get to the gist of my story...lately I’ve been having all kinds of feelings; at some point I was stressed out about her ex, their relationship and how things ended between them, her feelings for me, who we are as individuals etc. and I found myself feeling more and more miserable everyday, then we sorted it out with a chat after she literally dragged the issue out of me. But I've also been having this thing that has been building up since the onset...I'm scared! shit scared! of how much I love her and the level, depth and speed in which that love is growing. When you've been hurt before, you can't help but think of that pain and how it feels and how you swore never ever to fall for anyone else or at least never expose your whole heart like that again but with every second I manage to spend with her, I find myself falling deeper and deeper with no brakes.

There's also another thing that I keep doing which I'm not sure if other people do it too or it's just me and my dysfunctional things...I can't help but day dream about what we could be together and imagining what life would be like with her...then I keep interrupting that dream with possible things that could go wrong and I eventually convince myself to hold back...to not need her too much...to not feel that gap when she's not around me...to not feel that girlie need for attention...to not let go and just feel and whenever I do this...I feel myself disconnecting from her...and that's not what I want but it seems to be a self preservation mechanism that I've developed over the years to shield my heart from pain. Some could say it's a form of running away and at times we run even before anything has happened. In my heart I know very well what I want...I want to shower her with so much love, I want her to know I need her...I want her...I want her to feel exactly what's in my heart...that she's all that's in it...she's the reason I wake up with a smile on my face everyday...that when I close my eyes at night, I imagine her beautiful face and my heart fills up with warmth all the way through to the tip of my toes...that I spend time thinking if she's eaten, if she's okay, if she needs anything, if she's warm, if she slept well, if she feels the heat in her heart that I feel in mine. She'll be away for two weeks and already I know I'm going to die from not having her around but I constantly keep myself in check not to seem too crazy ;-)

I sit here wondering how I can stop history from repeating itself...how I can just open myself up completely and let love control me instead of me trying to control where it goes and how it gets there. I want to love her without any boundaries, without any fear, without doubt and without my past experiences meddling in my current love for her.

What I know is that love is a wonderful thing...that there's no boundary to how much love you can give...that it's warm and fuzzy...that it grows if you give it space...that it envelopes you completely if you let it...shows you a beautiful side in you that you didn't know existed and that that is the best thing about love.

A new kind of love

Love and Sex or Love with Sex or Sex then love or Love then Sex...which ever way you look at it, it's one of those discussions that can probably go on forever. Is it possible to mistake sexual attraction for love and how do you know when you've fallen for someone and it's not influenced by the sex. Can love really not be influenced by sex?

You meet a gorgeous woman, you are already attracted to her; that part you know for a fact and you would give anything to get locked up in a room together for a night. Not only does her exterior raise your blood pressure but her brain, smile, walk, the way she looks when she's concentrating on something, how she gracefully touches things around her, her aura, everything that is her - get's you all twisted and turned inside out. You look forward to that day when she'll be close enough for you to feel her breath on your skin.

The day arrives...your hands can feel her skin, your lips taste hers and you can feel her heart beat against yours...you can't believe that you're here, that after such a long time of longing and wanting...you're finally getting...You hold her tight against you,letting all those emotions you've kept inside paint all over her...You feel like Da Vinci dancing on a canvas...You can hear her moaning in your ear...taking in the pleasure...You feel light-headed, like your whole body has elevated from the ground...Your bodies explore each other as if in a dance...Everythinng connects; your breathing, your movement, your eyes lock, your tongues wrestle, you're in heaven.

You were pretty sure that if you got this chance, the insanity of wanting and longing would calm down after your first dance but it seems you have just accelerated the feelings...now all you want is her in your arms - all the time...The feeling of love that you felt has now intensified a thousand more times than it was. You want more of her body but now you want more of her heart too. The question is, did the love intensify because we had sex? or we had sex because the love was already intense? Does it even matter which way around it happened? All i know is i'm falling so deep into the rabbit hole and there's no way out now. Just when i think it's impossible to love her any deeper than i already do; i surprise myself...the thought that i can even fall deeper than this is a scary one because with all that love comes a lot of hurt and pain but is that true?

Does love really have to equal hurt or is there a way of loving that we haven't explored as humans. A way where two people can love each other with respect, honesty and trust beyond what we think we're capable of. A love that is based on communicating even the smallest feeling or thought - whether negative or positive and knowing that your partner will not judge you or think little of you because of your thoughts. A love where I can be a total idiot with my partner but still not feel ashamed. A love that is not judgemental but is filled with growth. Growing together emotionally; growing as individuals but doing this together. This kind of love requires for one to open up totally...to totally surrender all of you to the other without reservation - your deepest thoughts, your darkest and deepest secrets - but can it be done? Can one really open up to that extent?

Let me know if you've found the answers and i will keep you posted on my journey to finding a new kind of love...a journey alone is terrible but i think i might have found some company on this one :-)

Just curious

What is it that connects sexual intimacy to the heart? Can we really have sex without feeling a bit attached to that person...unless ofcourse they really suck in the sack (but then i always say when you say the other person sucks in bed (and not the good suck you were hoping for) what are you doing? I think it's also just a reflection on you not being as good as you think you are either:-)...unless you think you tried all the tricks in the book and still she lay there like a door knob or did some amazingly shocking things that left you reaching down in a hurry to feel if you V-jayjay is still intact.

Let's talk about when it's good...and you want more of that without the complexities of a relationship. I've heard a lot of people say they have a no-strings-attached arrangement with someone or what we call FuBus (Fuck Buddies) or FWBs (Friends with benefits) then in the end one of them falls in love; most times both parties fall in love and at most unfortunate times, it's one sided, which must hurt like hell! So the question is how do we separate the heart from our lower areas? Is there a way to avoid turning a simple 'fuck'to a white picket fence, kids and a wedding? - in our heads ofcourse because realistically, most of these relationships don't last longer than the orgasms but some exceptions have turned out to be the best and longest relationships.

Ever had it so good, you screamed out "I love you!"? and right after you've touched heaven, and all senses have come back, you think "S&*%!!!" and you can't take it back; if you do then you break the poor woman's heart. Maybe a great idea would be to tape your mouth shut before every ride to heaven.


I've found myself in such a situation before, where the sex was so good...i saw wedding bells but as it turned out about a month later, she was the last person i would have ever dated had i known the type of person she was prior to doing the horizontal mambo. Getting out of the relationship was hard as it involved being honest and breaking someone's heart in the process, which i suck at! Did I learn my lesson then?;) well, ask me that question when i'm old and not having sex anymore; 'til then, i'm gonna keep hoping that i did learn the lesson because i haven't repeated that mistake in a while.

Personally i think you can have a FuBu and not get attached and you can remain friends even way after you decide to stop having sex. I have those too and have learned by trial and error how to separate a sexual relationship from a love relationship. There's obviously some kind of and level of love as well with the FuBu or FWB, otherwise you wouldn't be able to go through with it...but it's a different kind of love to being in love with someone.

This whole connection phenomenon makes me think of another issue that we can talk about some other time - Can you learn or unlearn to love someone?

The unexpected

She crept into my heart and I didn't know what hit me. Here I was taking a break from relationships and love, little did I know that you can't dictate the terms for your heart and love. I should have known better, being the love goddess that I am.

So who is this thief? You might ask...she is the figure that brings a dance to my soul, she is the music notes in a song that has caressed my soul, she is the fire in my heart, the sunshine in my life, the first and the last thought in my mind, everyday.

So you know by now :-)...when love finds me, I start going on and on about it...

If I knew over a decade ago, when I fell in love for the very first time that that process would continue for years to come but each time amplified a million times, then I would have done more cardio exercises to prepare my heart for the experience. Each time I love, I think there's no way I can love more than this and each time I surprise myself as to how much love I can feel, how much love I can give but also how much pain I can handle. I always say to my friends and siblings that pain and hurt will always be there but that we were born with coping mechanisms for pain and each time we survive it.

Why am I talking about pain and love in the same breath? Well because love is this beautiful, lovely feeling that just renders you stupid, you can't think straight, songs pop into your head and all of a sudden Brian Adams and Luther Vandross pop into your head humming a tune. Its so beautiful that we start getting scared of all this loveliness, start questioning it, try and forecast the future, try to fix the little minor imperfections that make it so great, we try and take over the driver's seat...forgetting that we were not driving when love came to us, love was the driver...we were just passengers enjoying the ride but we are greedy little beings who want to control everything, even the uncontrollable. We take over the driving, while we want to do everything else on the side and we crash! Then we say love hurts, but love doesn't hurt...it is us who bring pain into love then blame everyone else except ourselves.

Some reading this will definitely disagree but I bet at the back of your mind you're feeling me. This is why we always separate the honeymoon phase and the phase we call 'reality'...true there comes a time when we must park cloud 9 and take care of some worldly things but who said we must throw away the keys and not take a ride on that cloud once every while? When we stop trying to organise everything in our lives including the future (which we have no idea how it will turn out)and let love organise itself, we might succeed in finding this everlasting love that is so illusive...or so we think.

Back to the woman who makes me weak not only at the knees but every other joint in my body. She is the most unexpected person to take over this heart of mine...I definitely wasn't looking when she crept in and i'm sure she wasn't either when I crept into hers. I've known her for years ans she's one of those souls you just look at and think “OMG she's lovely” and that's it...she's so far from your league that you don't even think twice about anything; an embodiment of perfection and .passion that I was just happy admiring from afar 'til life decided to happen.

Like I said earlier...when you fall in love, on that journey down the rabbit hole, the love gods and goddesses of music creep in and hit you with a tune or two and this time Bruno Mars seems to be playing the right note for me because she's amazing just the way she is.

“Her eyes make the stars look like they're not shining”;

And to end with the chorus from the song that just explains what I see exactly the way it is...
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Moral of my usual going ons...Love will find you no matter how hard you try to hide away from it!

When Venus meets Venus

It’s always been said that men are from Mars and Women from Venus but what happens when Venus meets Venus?

At times just when you think you know what’s happening with your life and you sit back and let it just flow, you are awakened by some unexpected force. I remember the first time I was swept off my feet; I was looking around for this man that will appear and just steal my heart, little did I know that destiny had other ideas for me. When my knight in shining armour appeared she had on tight jeans, lip gloss, her skin so soft and hands so soft and tiny and here I am years later still into women and loving it.

“Have you ever felt like you’ve met the woman of your dreams? A woman who fits your dreams like a glove, makes you smile even when there’s no one around? Makes your heart beat faster when you think about them? How often do we meet these amazing creatures? And when you meet one, what do you do when all odds are against the two of you?”

“Do you put your life in the hands of fate and hope that things will work out or do you take the bull by its horns and set your own destiny?” I’m no expect when it comes to love but I know that when you meet that woman that captures your heart, nothing else will make sense until you have her in your arms.

I’ve always said that in life we make decisions everyday that affect us and at times you don’t have to know whether the decision is right or wrong, you just have to follow your heart. Most times the heart leads you in the right path whereas if you use your head, you might start thinking about a lot of what ifs and end up not making that decision. The problem is making that jump, that jump that will either kill you or free you.

It is not an easy thing making a decision especially when it will affect not only you but those around you too, but do you let go of what could be the best love you’ve ever felt so that you can spare others from heartache? I don’t know. Sometimes being selfish is the only way to go but when you have a kind heart that puts others before yourself, taking the plunge seems so painful. You think of everyone except yourself and your happiness.

These are the times when you wish you could hide your head in the sand and not take responsibility for your own life. See, making this decision will not guarantee you a happy ever after but shying away from making it will only leave you with more questions than answers. You will always have those could haves, would haves. But what do you do when your heart abandons you and falls in the hands of this wonderful, beautiful stranger? When you try so hard to use your head and your heart gets in the way and wants her so bad?

Finding love is rare but fear always threatens to lose you the opportunity of love beyond your wildest dreams. Sometimes all we can do in life is make sure we live without regrets no matter how our choices turn out.

The invisible pain

Have you ever walked around and looked at the people passing by and wondered what they’re thinking about, what they’re feeling, what their lives are like or what’s going on in their hearts? I do.

When I read the newspaper or watch the news and see the pain that people go through, I’m taken aback to thinking about my life, my family, my experiences. We walk around carrying scars in our hearts and souls and yet all we see in each other are the smiles and laughter we hear. Some people walk around thinking about what they’re going to eat that day or where they’re going to sleep. Some walk around with heavy hearts trapped in places they don’t want to be in but these are the pains we never see.

When you hear about abusive relationships, the first thing we always say is “he/she doesn’t look like the abusive type” or “she doesn’t look like she’s in pain”. It is this invisible pain that has killed so many people in our communities. We have adult men and women carrying this pain from their childhood days but the world doesn’t care. We run around thinking about food, clothes, salaries, jobs, cars, houses and we neglect our little hearts and convince ourselves we’re fine.

In the 31 years that I’ve been on earth, the things I’ve seen, heard, felt are all written within me and none of them are written on the outside, so when you look at me you see what you see or what you’ve heard about me but do not see the real me. I am the image of your thoughts about me and not who I am. Sometimes I wonder if any one person actually knows another fully, do we ever reveal our truest selves to people or do we reserve some of the self so as to always feel secure?

When you’re alone with yourself, it is the only time that you are truly you, that you are not a figment of someone’s imagination, that you are just you. It is at this very moment that I wonder if anyone actually knows me…the me that cannot hide behind anything and it is at this very same moment that I’m convinced that no one can ever know another person fully; we all have secrets whether dark or not.

So here's a question to think about: Do you know me? Or do you know the person you’ve created me to be?...If you knew the real me, would you still be here? This is a question i think about when i look at the people i know.

When life throws you a curve ball

I recently experienced a change in my life, I saw it coming and saw the foundation being laid but I never anticipated the level of deceit and devious ways that people turn to when they want their own way. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned in my adventurous life – it’s that every curve ball thrown at you, turns you onto a journey of discovery of the self and a new chapter in your life. Whether you believe in destiny, fate, God or forces in the universe, this new road is usually very scary and strange because once we get used to our comforts, we dwell in them and forget to look at what opportunities the world is throwing at you.

So now, here I am, a young black lesbian woman, strong, wilful, creative and a go getter sitting here in this unfamiliar world and thinking – do I sit back and take the devious blows or do I follow the light? Not too hard to figure out the answer once you’ve gone through all the emotions of pain, hurt and anger...you follow the light.

As human beings we always wonder about our purpose in life and worry about what to do when change is knocking. I know young people worry about money, cars, jobs and all the blissful worldly things and most times we don’t get them when we want but when the universe allows. We usually fall deep into depression, self pity and feelings of worthlessness but I have discovered that with each year, my outlook on life changes; relationships, pain, loss of loved ones, jobs, riches and so forth...all these change shape each time and when you resist, you delay your growth and strength. Whoever came up with the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” knew that the lesson of life is learning to let go in order for you to see that path to the end of the rainbow. I always ask my friends this question “What do you do when the unstoppable force meets destiny? And my answer is always...”you move!” because if you try to ignore it you would be trying to change the inevitable and when that force hits you, it will throw you off, so the best thing is to move and let it pass without hitting and hurting you first.

One great example is that of relationships. We all look for love, that one person that will make us feel like no other but is there such a person or do we learn to love... and anyone that we choose to give a chance to could be this potential person?

When you've found or have learnt to love this person and one day down the line, you realise their time in your life has passed and they need to move on; do you hang on for dear life and rather succumb to unhappiness than accept the inevitable and appreciate the love you had, whether for a month or years or do you move and let them fly away?

Everyday in my life I've met people I have loved or felt some kind of connection to; these people have come in the form of friends, lovers, neighbours, colleagues etc. and every time I sit back and see their worth in my life; sometimes there's none but at times you learn so much from one person than you would from any book, scientific analysis or academic seminar; that person helps you understand yourself more and learn more about acceptance, love and humanity.

What am I going on about? Life is a mystery but while we have no answers to most of life's questions and wonders; we must embrace what life throws at us and find the silver lining. If you lose a loved one, take some time and see how many new loved ones you gain from the departure of one...yes it will hurt like hell and yes, it is unfair but what does it give you? People lose people everyday but they live on...how? Because it is the inevitable that you will adapt, heal, learn and move on.

Why ‘Coming Out’?

Just the other day I was thinking about the whole idea of coming out and how I broke the news to my parents about my sexual orientation.

I let my memories take me all the way back to my childhood and the games we played as kids. I was always so jealous and overprotective of my female friends, some would say possessive but to me it was just caring and loving my friends too much, maybe just a little bit too much. At the time I had no idea what those feelings meant, there was nothing sexual about my behaviour, just a warm fuzzy feeling.

I think about my favourite toys and how I was never interested in dolls, when all my friends wanted all types; the crying baby, the peeing baby and the all time famous Barbie doll that I cared less about.

I was into playing house and never wanted to be the mother, always the kid because I was never allowed to be the father; “Only boys can be father” I was told all the time.

Now back to the whole idea of ‘coming out’. What’s my childhood got to do with coming out? Here’s a scenario for you to think about; imagine the days when you used to play ‘hide and seek’ and the fright you got each time your brother, sister or friend jumped out of their hiding place without you realising where they were hiding, scaring the living daylights out of you! Now think about how some people ‘come out’ to their parents; without any preparations, they just utter to their parents; “Ma, I’m gay”, what’s stopping your mother from having a heart attack if you just pounce out of the closet just like that?

I laughed when I thought about it; the thought of someone literally “jumping out of the closet” was quite dramatic and scary and would definitely give me a heart attack.

Maybe if we didn’t call it ‘coming out’; it would have less shocking effect and drama. It’s the same as saying to your parents; “Ma, I’m having sex now!” your mother would probably collapse right there, not because she doesn’t know you have sex but because you just pounced on her unexpectedly.

We need to prepare our parents, step out of the closet while you’re still ‘alone in the room’, let your parents start asking themselves questions, let them see your friends because personally I think if you’re yourself through and through, your parents will not see you any differently when you do ‘come out’ because you stepped out of the closet a long time ago. Slowly they get introduced to the ‘real you’ without any shock factor or hide and seek games.

I do know though that there are same sorry excuses for parents (forgive me) out there that will go to the extent of throwing their kids out of the house. It’s a shame that after nine months of caring another human life inside you, you would turn your back on your very own flesh and blood.

I understand being shocked and worried about what people will think but after a short while, a child’s wellbeing and the need to be loved and cared for takes priority to what your neighbours will think.

This is by no means a solution or guide to ‘coming out’, just my usual crazy thoughts about life and its mysteries.

To all my brothers and sisters that have taken the step out of the closet only to be met by judgements and hurt from their parents; hang in there, it might be hard for now but you will pull through.

To those still in the closet; when you are ready, it will happen. Take your time; a single step out of that closet will make a huge difference in your life, how you view life and how you view yourself. All I know is that when I stepped out, a warm light and a free soul took over me and I would never go back in there for any reason (it’s terribly hot in the closet, no air).

Why women might never rule the world

I used to get angry when I heard the saying “This is a man’s world” and when guys at tertiary would tell us that women would never be leaders because we’re too emotional and think with our hearts instead of our heads, ‘til just this past Saturday, I refused to listen to this notion.

I set in a room packed with women of all classes and prominence and yet sitting in that room I felt ashamed and wanted to hide. For two days we set there pointing fingers, blaming everyone, talking at each other instead of with each other. We trampled on each other’s hearts, criticised and not once did we affirm each other as feminists should.

For centuries women have had problems working together, everyone wants the fame but not the struggle that comes with it. We want to shine by bringing others down. We suffer from a serious case of PHD (Pull Her Down) syndrome and yet we don’t see it. We see this with the many forms of feminisms that exist or have existed, it shows that when women disagree they see this as a reason to go off and form their own little groups; today we have womanists, revolutionarists and so forth and yet all we all want is the emancipation of all women.

Another good example is when the ANC Women’s League decided to collude against each other and vote for a man as President, a man we all know as the epitome of patriarchy and male chauvinism and yet our own mothers who claim to be fighting for women and women’s rights sold us all out and voted us straight 20 years back.

During the Zuma trial when he was accused of rape, there was evidence that “he slept” (he was acquitted of rape) with an HIV positive woman without using protection and took a shower so he wouldn’t get infected. When this happened, I thought the women of South Africa would wake up and see him for what he really is but to my shock and dismay there were women with “Zuma” T-shirts hurling slurs at the women who were on the other side with placards that read “Against her will, against the law”, it was our mothers that were burning the picture of the victim and spitting on it instead of standing together in solidarity.

How are we ever going to rule the world when we can’t even support each other through such painful times? Most African leaders have let women down for centuries and yet they continue to rule because of our votes. In countries where war is rife, women and children are the ones suffering the most…I watch the news everyday and my eyes water from the pain I feel for those women and I ask myself a question “how soon ‘til we’re next”, we sit here with all the opportunities to come together to make sure that our children and their children never face such famines, such pain, such hurt and scars that will be with them forever but yet we still fight over petty things like ownership and wanting things done our way.

When I set through that meeting, my heart was bleeding, not from the things said and not from the criticism but from the lack of thinking, the lack of timing and seeing such intelligent women reduce themselves to petty queens and a bunch that can’t stand change, especially when change happens without them and not on their terms.

The struggle within this sector is still a long way from revival and change will happen, younger activists and feminists will continue the struggle in their own terms, it’s inevitable and unstoppable and we should learn to let go and give credit where credit is due.

The lost Continent

Ten days ago, sitting in my flat, I would have never thought that the country I was once proud of would spin out of control in the way that it has.

The hatred and barbaric behaviour that South Africans have shown, is quite clear to me that we’ve lost respect for each other and the personhood. Why do I say the ‘personhood’? It’s because if we saw each other as human beings first, all these crimes against humanity would not exist.

These scenes that I’ve witnessed in the past few days are not new to this continent of ours. We’ve seen them in Rwanda, Burundi, Kenya, Uganda, Darfur, Zimbabwe and other African countries where Human Rights violations are the norm. Only when these acts are closer to home do we speak out and respond to crisis but when it’s happening to others, it’s okay because it’s not us that suffer. Are we ever going to learn to stop responding to crisis and work at eliminating all forms discrimination that might lead us to such. Prevention is better than cure.

These act of evident hatred did not start 10 days ago but they have been happening for years, it is only now that the visuals are so disturbing that everyone is feeling repulsed, shocked, ashamed and condemning these acts. For example, Sizakele Sigasa, Salome Masooa, Zoliswa Nkonyana and recently Eudy Simelane, these are women that have been brutally raped, tortured and murdered in the past two years in this country and all because they were different and the rest of the country disagreed with their lifestyle. No one said a single word to these injustices because in the eyes of Africans…they deserved it.

Today another form of hatred has shown its ugly head, xenophobia, and people have died including some South Africans and all because they look different. When are Africans going to learn that killing is not the answer and no one deserves to be treated like an animal regardless of their sexual orientation, race, colour of their skin, country of origin and all other factors that are different in every human?

For as long as we don’t learn that Human Rights are indivisible, we will have such acts of barbarism occurring everywhere and all the time. Tomorrow we will be killing other because they’re ‘short’ and we don’t like it and we will find a justification for it.

As women’s rights, lgbti rights, children’s rights defenders we should start acknowledging that all these rights we are fighting for, are Human Rights and we need to come together and fight these injustices for a better continent free of hate and discrimination in all its forms.

Cry my beloved Country

What has happened to this once beautiful country and its people? I’m asking this with my head hung in shame; it is painful and heartbreaking to see our people being reduced to animals like this.

I was once a proud South African but now I’m even ashamed to be called one or be associated with this country. As a person that travels a lot to other African countries, I’ve never as a foreigner in their countries been treated the way we have been treating them.

My heart bleeds to all my brothers and sisters and especially because as a lesbian woman, I can relate to the discrimination they’re facing. Discrimination in all its forms is rife in Africa. It’s time our people realised that Human Rights are universal and indivisible and all human kind is entitled to them regardless.

I’m going to be blunt and realistic about us as South African people, you might not like what I’m going to say but it is a fact that we are all aware of.

South African men in particular, have lost their minds (I’m not talking about the minority that still have their senses because I know a lot of good guys, it’s sad they have to be packed with these idiots). These are the same people that expect ‘foreigners’ to come to South Africa in 2010 and bring their money. We are busy killing our own black brothers and sisters, I don’t see any Chinese, Italians being attacked instead I see my own reflection on TV being burnt and killed.

These idiots even have the guts to appear on television and justify their inhumane behaviours. Our damn so called President is silent (I’m sure he sees no crisis), all other politicians are silent too, they have nothing to say or they just don’t want to take any responsibility. A state of emergency needs to be declared and the army must intervene or a lot of people are going to die for nothing. I am so angry that I have about a million emotions going on in me.

My beloved country is going down and its people are not even aware, soon we will be like the likes of Zimbabwe, Darfur, Rwanda because this is headed towards a civil war. Our brothers have lost their minds and we can’t do anything about it.

They claim foreigners are taking their jobs and houses but I know very well that they don’t have jobs because of their laziness and not wanting to work for anything in their lives. They want handouts and that’s how it has been for years.

I walk in the townships and see brothers sitting in corners, smoking and drinking with no care in the world. They have the opportunity to go to schools but no, school is too formal for them. Schools have rules…they don’t want to be told what to do so they sit in corners and feel sorry for themselves and blame all their problems on everyone else except themselves.

First it was “blame everything on apartheid”, now it’s “blame everything on foreigners”…what will it be tomorrow?

In the news one of the residents of Alexandra mentioned that “foreigners take our jobs, they steal and they rape our women”. Now something is wrong with this statement, I don’t know what you think but something is really wrong here…let’s go back to what we’ve read in the news lately:

It is our South African fathers and brothers that are raping women, murdering women, beating women up and stealing…yes, a couple of times I’ve seen a foreign name appear in the news for crimes but it’s always been our own South African men and no one else. My fellow sister, Eudy Simelane a Banyana Banyana player was not gang raped and murdered by 7 FOREIGNERS; it was 7 brothers from ekasi (township), brothers she knew. Sizakele and Salome were not shot execution style and raped by FOREIGNERS …it was by brothers they knew. Gugu Dlamini was not stoned by foreigners but by her own community. Zoliswa Nkonyana from Khayelitsha was not stabbed, clubbed and killed by FOREIGNERS; it was 20 boys from her neighbourhood…SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY GOING ON ABOUT?!!!

I’m angry and amazed by how far South Africans will go to abdicate responsibility for their own lives and laziness.

We are heading towards self destruction and we don’t even see it.
MAY GOD BE WITH ALL OF US, we need holy intervention because we’re not going to get it from our politicians.

The existence within me

Ever wondered what this thing called love is? Many times I’ve set and wondered and ended up more confused than I was when I began thinking about it.

I look at all the people I’ve been with in the past and that I’ve loved or atleast I thought. I’ve toyed with the feeling for years searching for goosebumps, my heart to skip a beat, my knees to go weak or to think about nothing else but the person but then with every person the feeling is different.

Sometimes I even wonder if I’ve ever been in love or know what love is at all. I mean according to chick flicks and romance novels; love never goes away or fades away, but hell! Mine has faded more times than I can count (I’m sure everyone is nodding in agreement with me on this point). Think about it, as much as I’ve loved all the people I’ve been with, I’d never go back to them – the goosebumps have been replaced by a smooth skin, my knees are as strong as the pillars of a church. So was it love? Did I invent it in my little head or big heart, I don’t know.

But let’s admit it; the thought that some feeling or force can whisk you off your feet and render you stupid is very appealing. I find always being in control very boring and stale. Ever dated a stiff? Someone you wondered whether they have feeling at all, a plain zombie when it comes to emotions. I haven’t and thank god.

See I identify as something between butch and femme, some people refer to it as androgynous and some would say ‘soft butch’, whatever you call it, I’m IT; I’m emotional, sensitive, a total woman and I cry over a romantic moment in a chick flick or a sad scene in a drama, so yeah, I’m all woman and love it.

I’m what you’d call a total believer in love, sucker for love and all it stands for. Loving someone and being loved is a wonderful feeling; it’s like floating on a cloud.

Now back to its existence. I’ve watched my parents for years, watched how they communicate, do things and even though they don’t walk around looking like love-struck teenagers, they epitomise love as I believe it to be. As much as my father acts all serious and unmoved, I know he’d die for my mother as would my mother for him. 30 years of being together, living together and raising three beautiful children with more love than we can ever get from anywhere else and still they’ve kept it tight, but please don’t get me wrong, not without obstacles, heartaches and pain.

What is it about us youngsters or lesbian women that is lacking to the point that we can’t even last ‘til the end of the movie. A 5 year relationship with us is like a lifetime achievement, we run out of fuel or the will to make things work and we just let it go. I think most women still believe in ‘Mrs Right’ or ‘Mr Right’ if you swing that way and we forget to focus our energies on what we have now, we are always looking for the next best thing. We don’t like reality much either; when a relationship is still in its baby steps, where your partner still opens doors for you or rubs your feet when you get back from work, we’re at our peak but once things start to slow down, we whine and complain and focus on all the wrong things they do instead of accepting that the honeymoon is over and it’s time for some real work – communicating your needs and putting more effort in loving than documenting the wrongs.

Well, in my many years of loving, I’ve learnt that nothing is certain but that love truly exists whether for a moment or a lifetime. How did I come to this conclusion you wonder; did I get goosebumps? Did my heart skip a beat? Did my knees go weak? Yes, yes, yes but the feeling doesn’t last forever, soon reality kicks in and it’s time to work and keep the flame burning. Once in a while I look into my baby’s eyes and a brush of weakness in my knees pops up and time stands still as my heart skips a couple of beats and right there and then I’m reminded that loves lives in this heart of mine, I hold my baby tight, close my eyes and thank the lord for this existence.

Life’s mysteries

Ever wondered what life was all about or what the purpose of this rollercoaster is? I do it all the time and as expected, I never find the answer. At times I think that’s exactly the point, for us never to know the answer to this question and to live life to its fullest trying to find answers.

A couple of months back, after the break up with my fiancée. I found myself asking myself this elusive question over and over in my head. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out how things got so bad between the two of us and why it didn’t hurt the way I had thought it would. I’d remind myself of all those nights I lay there watching her sleeping peacefully next to me and I’d think to myself “I’d die if this relationship never works” or I’d be thinking “I’ll never get into another serious relationship if this one fails” or “I cannot imagine life without her”

Three years of building and crafting a relationship and to just decide it’s not what we want after that long. Everyone thought we were mad or someone had to have done something terrible to the other for this to happen and the truth of the matter is that nothing extreme happened…It just ended, as confusing as that sounds. So the next question in people’s minds becomes, “Did they even love each other at all?” the answer is absolutely, we were crazy about each other and we never even looked beyond life without each other (or atleast I didn’t). Oh I did look and notice other beautiful women and flirt in the process, any living being would do the same…I think but never did I take it to the next level. My cheating were my thoughts…I admit.

But after my long thoughts trying to figure this whole life thing out, I came to a realisation that I’ve grown as a person and a lover. Though it took a gazillion heartbreaks and stressing over losing someone…in the end I’m the lover I’ve always dreamt of being…a true Don-Juan Demarco ;-)

I loved with all my heart in that relationship and so my heart was fulfilled even though it ended, I had to move on. The world had other plans in mind for this lover and I’m content with this. In the end it feels great to understand some aspects of life. Imagine how many people have been hurt or have hurt others in this world…It is one big conundrum that we all belong to. If we were to spend our lives asking questions, crying and hurting but not moving on what lessons would we take from life…nothing. So we hurt and heal and the future looks even brighter than it did when we were dwelling in pain.

I remember when I was still in high school and one of my subjects was history. I used to enjoy my classes, learning about ‘The rise and fall of Hitler’, ‘Stalin’ and ‘The Anglo-Boer War’ just to mention a few. My teacher always said the reason for us to learn about these things was so that we don’t repeat them in the future. I found that to be an interesting point and a funny one at that because everything that we were learning about, was repeated over and over in the future hence the millions of history books.

The Boers did to the Africans (blacks) in South Africa the same thing that Hitler did to the Jews. George Bush is doing to Iraq what his father Bush Senior did in the Gulf War. Africans are doing the same to Gay people all over Africa, killing them and discriminating against us because of our sexual orientation, Christians think they’re better than everyone else. Everyone thinks that they know something more about life than the next person, whereas we all know nothing and it kills us not to understand or have answers for why some things are the way they are in the universe. All that History has taught me is that people do not like what doesn’t look, think, feel, like them or is different in any form or shape. It’s the philosophy of life, period.

Look at what’s happening in Zimbabwe. Robert Mugabe has lost his mind and he’s violating every human right in the book and no one is saying anything, instead we see him everyday on the news visiting other countries and shaking the hands of the so-called powerful people. Why is everyone silent?! Why is the world silent?! He walks around in his expensive suits, waving at the crowds that clearly bow down to him, they look so poor and so hungry but yet come next elections, they will put him back on that high pedestal.

Hitler had so much power in Germany; he turned the country into his own personal blood bath and no one said anything. He spoke of a perfect race of blonde and blue eyed people, he ordered his officers to kill black haired and brown eyed people but HE HAD BLACK HAIR AND BROWN EYES! Are you telling me no one could see that?

There’s a saying that says “The struggle never ends, it just changes form” and this is and will always be the way of the world and this thing we call life.

My Birthday!

Today is my birthday, I’m turning 28! What a year it’s been…and here I am still alive and going strong. I’ve had my share of up and downs, lost friends and family and loved ones but then again that’s just life and the show must go on.

My first birthday wishes at exactly 12am came from my two sisters (my babies)…I was so happy and excited, It took me a while to get back to sleep ;-) Only these two angels can manage to bring light into my life with just an sms. I love them to bits and pieces!

28 beautiful years on this earth, I must be the luckiest woman alive. I have a wonderful family, supportive friends and more people that love me more than I can imagine.

The skies lit up
Smiles on faces brightened the room
A beautiful little angel entered this world in tears
But they weren’t tears of fear, just tears of joy
Born to a family of so much love

The little seedling grew into a beautiful rose
Her smile brightened the world
The love she got shone through her eyes
A star had been born
And mother earth knew this and smiled at her

Today she embarks on another journey
A journey to put more smiles on more faces
Today she touches her bright future
Filled with love and joy
Her eyes twinkle with excitement as she looks forward to another year

Namhlanje kudansa izingelosi nabaphansi
Ngoba wena uzelwe
Phambili Mthembu ka Sodiza, Ntsele ka Linda Mkhonto
Ikusasa lakho lisezandleni zakho
Umvelinqangi ukuphile…kusebenzise kahle
Suk’olumnandi Sodiza!

Chapter 5: Making new friends

After my break up, I spent a lot of time visiting my friend Ndu in Newcastle. We had a great time together, he was a brother to me who knew of my sexual orientation, my ups and downs with women and was very accepting and supportive. I could talk to him about everything, even the nitty-gritty details of my sex life.

When we met at technikon we were just friends and had gone through a lot together, we’d even cried together over women and would laugh at each other the next morning, ours was a friendship that was destined to last. Over the years we grew closer and our friendship took a different turn…he was more of a brother to me than just a friend.

When he moved to Newcastle, he met a young woman who was staying with her long time partner and he felt that we would get along if we met. So one weekend I decided to go down and visit him. He introduced me to this lesbian couple who had been together for years. Beautiful women, young, successful and fun to be around. We got on like a house on fire and were determined to continue this new found friendship.

Cat and Q were the friendliest, open people I’d ever met; Q has a strong personality and you could tell she preferred more orderly things and had strong leadership qualities but knew when to play, and on the other hand Cat was exactly that…like a cat…she was more playful, cuddly, naughty, loved to laugh, talkative and together they made a mean couple.

I looked at them and knew that I would have a relationship like that one day.

Around this time I had started working part-time for a gay media organisation. It is here that I began to meet a lot of influential people like Zan, she is a loud Zulu woman who speaks her mind and knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. I liked that about her because as much as I believed that I knew what I wanted; I wasn’t as aggressive and truly didn’t know how to get it. Zan is a highly acclaimed photographer and an activist.

She told me about a group of women who wanted to start an organisation for black lesbian women, and that they were meeting once every month. It sounded like something I would be interested in as I was really proactive about such things. That’s how I got into this whole activism business. I felt that as a lesbian woman, I had to stand up and fight for myself instead of hiding away and letting other people fight my battles for me. Each time there was an insult hurled at homosexuals, I knew that even if I would stay in the closet forever; that insult is meant for me too. The more I got involved the more I realised that it was time for me to start thinking about coming out to my parents as this kind of work requires someone who is out there talking the talk and walking the walk.

While working for the media organisation, I met a whole community of gay and lesbian people; I had never met so many homosexuals in my life or even contemplated the existence of so many of them. They were the people you see everyday; Doctors, lawyers, business people, your next door neighbour and so forth. Most didn’t even conform to the stereotypes that people have of gay people; that a gay men would be dressed in tight clothing and swayed their hips from left to right like some ramp models and that lesbians are these scary women that dress in men’s clothing (though all of this is still part of the spectrum).

Each day I learnt something new from the people I met and realised that this is a worthy cause to fight for and even die for if it comes to that.

The Gay and Lesbian movement in South Africa is not as aggressive as I’d want it to be, I think we let people say and do as they please as far as we’re concerned. Politicians, Christians and other homophobic groups say things to us that we just take in and do nothing about.

Whenever I read about the anti-apartheid movement and see documentaries done, the passion that’s involved is so intense. When African students took to the streets of Soweto in 1976, you could see that their voices were in unison and that they knew what they were fighting for. A lot of them died on that day but the fruits of their death are visible today; young people today can do so much that they couldn’t in those days.

That’s the passion I wish for when it comes to the Gay and Lesbian Movement. Right now we’re pulling in different directions and some are concerned with their own issues and don’t feel that they have to be part of this movement. Unlike in the apartheid era, most LGBTI people sit back and let others speak for them. People like Bev Ditsie and Simon Nkoli started the movement for us and we have to continue with it and not lose focus on what we’re fighting for.

My first PRIDE march was when I came back from technikon. I was so excited and looking forward to marching for a cause for the first time in my life. I hadn’t even come out formally to my parents but I told myself that if I had to be seen on television, I’d have to deal with it then but I was going regardless of the consequences. What a colourful experience it was, I remember I was so excited and felt like a 2 year old eating candy for the very first time.

My life was taking a turn, I was growing into an adult, my whole outlook on life and my priorities had changed.

Chapter 4: Back in JHB

Here I was back home, jobless, still missing my ex-girlfriend from Durban but because I had told myself I needed to go on with my life, one Sunday morning I decided to go to a gay church and there she was this beautiful mature woman, singing in the church choir. Needless to say I went to church every Sunday after that. I was told she had a partner already so I tried to back off but the urge was too strong and I eventually made a move and she responded. We hooked up and started getting to know each other, then one thing led to another.

She would visit my house as I was still staying with my parents. We enjoyed each other’s company and had great sex but there was one problem, she was still staying with her partner at the time. For four years I had lived on my own in Durban, could do anything I wanted to do in my own time and pace, now here I was at home and couldn’t even have privacy with my woman. I was getting a bit frustrated with the arrangements and the fact that I wasn’t getting a job either was starting to get to me.

We went on dating on the DL (Down low), the thought of being caught was invigorating. She eventually broke it off with her partner who wasn’t impressed with me at all. We were so in love and enjoyed each other’s company a whole lot but our relationship had signs of doom from the beginning. We never saw eyes to eye and argued almost all the time, whenever we had a fight she would say I didn’t love her. She loved her friends and going out that she pushed everything else to the side, including herself. I spoke to her many times about how I felt and how she needed to change in order for her life to improve. Now I’ll admit, I’m a pushover when it comes to women and at that time I was afraid of being alone if we broke up and so I tried to keep the peace within the relationship, even though it was clear we were not meant to be together.

There was one incident that made things clear for me. I was starting to get into the whole JHB lesbian scene, enjoying myself and meeting new people all the time. During that time I met a very interesting woman, Kay. She was fun, intelligent, extremely sexy and I liked her. Even though I was attracted to her, I refrained from acting on the feelings. Then one afternoon we decided to go and have coffee after work, she needed to talk as she had a fight with her boss. We met and had a great time but someone who knew us called my partner and told her I was out with someone else.

We got into a big fight about it and even broke up for a couple of days, when we eventually talked about the incident, she explained to me that she would take me back only if I never speak to my newfound friend ever again…that’s when I realised how controlling she was and how I could never survive in the relationship but because I wasn’t ready to lose her, I agreed but of course I continued talking to my friend (we’re still good friends even today).

It was downhill from then on as we continued to fight all the time. We’d make up on one thing and something else would come up, this wasn’t what I wanted in a relationship and clearly we both hated that. I had to look deep down within myself as to what I wanted, and each time I decided this wasn’t it; the fear of starting another relationship would consume me and I would apologise to her for whatever it was that we were fighting over, and then the circle would start all over again; we fight…we make up…this was the story of our life.

One day I think we both had had enough of the fighting, the love I had for her started dwindling away and I knew there was nothing left for us to make up. I think she also felt the same way and after a year we decided to let go. Even though I had gone through losing a lover before, it still hurt really bad but life goes on. There comes a time when you get over someone, no matter how much you loved them, you learn to move on without them and the pain of losing them becomes a part of you, something you can live with.

By this time I had really given up on falling in love and being together forever. I told myself that I’d just go with the flow, if I met a girl I liked then I’d just take it slow and see where it takes me.

I was still in contact with my ex-girl from Durban. I told her of what had happened and we both decided to meet in Newcastle, halfway between JHB and Durban to visit a school friend of ours. We spent the whole weekend in wonderland, talking and just holding each other. We spoke about things we had planned to do when we were still together and laughed about things we had done during those years. It was then that I realised that more than anything we were very good friends. It was refreshing and I was convinced I would never meet anyone else that I would love as much as I loved her.

Chapter 3: Religion and my sexuality

I grew up in a catholic church, went to a catholic Primary School and never missed Sunday Mass. I used to spend my spare time reading the bible at times because I found it very intriguing. Here is a book that most people claim to live by and those that don’t, are basically doomed to hell. The bible is no.1 when it comes to instilling fear in people.

Now as a young girl growing up in Soweto and from a highly religious background, I always thought that the bible was about love, respect and acknowledgement of my creator but with life that understanding changed. I learned that the bible to most ‘Christians’ was about discrimination, hatred, control, ignorance and judgement. I read once from the Bible that when the Pharisees brought in a woman who had committed adultery for stoning, Jesus said to them “Let him without sin throw the first stone, [John 8:7]” and yet even up to today we are still throwing stones at each other.

I do not deny that I’m a sinner, not because of my sexuality, but because I’m human and I falls into temptations now and again but then again…don’t we all.

When I first realised that I was different from other girls, I was so confused…and every article I read about homosexuals was saying how evil and wrong it was and how we are all going to burn in hell like the people in Sodom and Gomorrah. Then it was hate crimes against homosexuals that caught my attention because until then, I had thought people would never just hurt you without you provoking them. Now as an adult I realise that all this hate is perpetuated by the same people that claim to spread the word of God, the society is allowed to hurl insults at us; when lesbian women get raped…people are always saying “it’s their fault for pretending to be men”; people’s basic human rights are violated and ‘Christians’ are right there in front, leading the pack.

I am a believer in God and no Pastor, not even a Pope can change that. God is the God of Love and not hatred. Today’s Christians form political parties under the pretences of routing out evil from society. How did politics and God become one thing? Politicians are known to be manipulators and liars while Christians are known to be peacemakers and spreaders of love.

Just recently on TV, a well known South African show aired a programme on ‘violence against black lesbians’ where a group of boys was interviewed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing as I sat there in my lounge watching these boys. In a country where discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation is prohibited, a country where violence against women is intolerable, men had the guts to appear on TV and say that they would rape lesbian women if they got the chance in order to show then that they’re women and that their ‘pussies’ are meant to bear children. I was shocked out of my mind! And two days later, no one from any political party or religious group had made a comment on the programme but had the programme been about lesbians getting married or adopting children…I assure you that the next day, there would have been a HUGE front page headline with the response from one of these groups.

South African police are always praised on the good job that they do when it comes to solving cases of high profile people but for us that have absolutely nothing, it’s a losing battle. I agree that not all police are corrupt and useless but there are more of those than the good ones. Try and report a rape case in South Africa as a lesbian woman, instead of being helped, you will be bombarded by questions regarding your sexuality and sermons on how wrong it is to be a homosexual.

One thing that I’ve noticed is that whenever I have a conversation with a stranger and the issue of a relationship and my partner comes up, usually the person will assume it’s a man but then when I politely mention that it’s a woman, they immediately feel a bit uncomfortable. Some are braver and don’t mind but then my favourite question will immediately follow: “Such a beautiful woman, what happened, were you hurt by a man?” As if being a lesbian is some sort of a getaway lodge or a stroll in the park. People assume we choose this life because we are just suckers for pain. Why would anyone in their right mind choose to be homosexual, knowing very well that anytime they could get attacked, physically and verbally, that they’ll spend their days looking over their shoulder, have their parents throw them out of the house, be ostracised from the church that they spent their whole childhood in, have people look at you as if you got some disease?

Chapter 2: Enter Adulthood

That relationship lasted for a year.

It was an experience I will never forget. The beauty of a woman does not necessarily make her a beautiful person inside and sometimes even though she is beautiful inside…that beauty is concealed by a lot of baggage. I learned the hard way, had my heart broken in the process but emerged a stronger woman and even more determined to find my queen.

There I was walking around feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I had wasted a whole year with the ‘angel’ that fell on my lap, luckily for me I had friends to pull me out of this miserable dungeon I had locked myself in. By this stage I had started drinking and smoking and partying like there’s no tomorrow (I’m very lucky I didn’t ruin my life in the process), drowned my sorrows and got over my ex.

I was still not ready to be in another serious relationship but women are just too beautiful, I couldn’t stay away for too long. I met this sweet, gentle but outspoken woman and we agreed to take it slow…but like I said before, women are just too irresistible. In no time were all over each other and couldn’t keep our hands off. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that all relationships come with their own challenges. This one went well for a while and we even moved into my flat together and everything was just groovy, then her ex came into the picture…a scary, obsessive boy who just refused to stay away and in the process made my girl’s life hell.

He stalked her, knew her every move and even had a class timetable so he could find her any day. For month our lives were turned upside down…luckily for me, he thought we were friends and never suspected that we were lovers (only God knows what he would have done to me, had he known). The situation got so bad that one day, just before the year-end exams, he caught up with her while she was walking back from campus and kidnapped her. I was out of my mind with worry, thinking of all the things he’d do to her…especially since he was her ex-boyfriend. A couple of her friends and I went to the police station to report her missing but were told that she’s over 18 and if she’s as afraid of him as we say she is…then even if they went over to his place, she could be afraid to say he kidnapped her…our energies, and pleas fell on deaf ears, we were told to come back after 24 hours if she’s still missing.

I lay awake all night not knowing what to do, images of him touching her haunting my mind…I paced up and down, tried to watch TV but nothing could take away the fear I had inside…I cried until I couldn’t cry no more…the pain and fear turned to anger. ANGER at her for not telling me about her crazy ex, ANGER at him for not even realising my existence, ANGER at the whole world for breeding monsters like him and ANGER at God for making him stronger than me physically…I couldn’t fight for my woman and it hurt. Eventually, in the midst of all those emotions, I fell asleep…

The buzzer went off at around 6am; I jumped up still drowsy and went to answer the door…there she was standing there, her eyes swollen from crying and I didn’t know what to say to her…she came inside and sat down. She started telling me the whole story, from when she met the guy to their break-up and his obsessive behaviour. I was still angry with her for not fighting him off when he took her but now realise how scared she was of him. At the time, I couldn’t understand how someone could take you against your will and how you could not scream, shout, fight or do something until I watched her have nightmares, sleepless nights and fear of going to campus because of him…only then did I realise the power he had over her and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.

Her parents didn’t know of her relationships on campus but the threats came to a point where she had to tell her father (a strict Zulu man). His reaction stunned me because he ordered her to leave tertiary and go back home; it was the worst day of my life because after two years of staying together, she had to leave Durban. This was my last year of tertiary and I was due to go back home to JHB.

We continued our long-distance relationship for two more years until we both realised it wasn’t working and that we had to face facts and move on without each other. In the beginning it was hard…I couldn’t imagine life without her (when I get into a relationship, I give it my all). I met another woman in JHB but it was still hard, we kept in touch and gave each other blessings to go ahead with our lives and meet new people then eventually after some time…I managed to see a life without her and moved on fully.

In life we go through so many life-changing events but we tend to pretend that they never existed or that those things never matter in our lives. For me, every person that I have met, whether it is a friend, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, has left a huge mark in my life. It is because of these experiences and people that I am who I am today…directly or indirectly. I have moved on with my life, yes, and have learned from these lessons.