Just the other day I was thinking about the whole idea of coming out and how I broke the news to my parents about my sexual orientation.
I let my memories take me all the way back to my childhood and the games we played as kids. I was always so jealous and overprotective of my female friends, some would say possessive but to me it was just caring and loving my friends too much, maybe just a little bit too much. At the time I had no idea what those feelings meant, there was nothing sexual about my behaviour, just a warm fuzzy feeling.
I think about my favourite toys and how I was never interested in dolls, when all my friends wanted all types; the crying baby, the peeing baby and the all time famous Barbie doll that I cared less about.
I was into playing house and never wanted to be the mother, always the kid because I was never allowed to be the father; “Only boys can be father” I was told all the time.
Now back to the whole idea of ‘coming out’. What’s my childhood got to do with coming out? Here’s a scenario for you to think about; imagine the days when you used to play ‘hide and seek’ and the fright you got each time your brother, sister or friend jumped out of their hiding place without you realising where they were hiding, scaring the living daylights out of you! Now think about how some people ‘come out’ to their parents; without any preparations, they just utter to their parents; “Ma, I’m gay”, what’s stopping your mother from having a heart attack if you just pounce out of the closet just like that?
I laughed when I thought about it; the thought of someone literally “jumping out of the closet” was quite dramatic and scary and would definitely give me a heart attack.
Maybe if we didn’t call it ‘coming out’; it would have less shocking effect and drama. It’s the same as saying to your parents; “Ma, I’m having sex now!” your mother would probably collapse right there, not because she doesn’t know you have sex but because you just pounced on her unexpectedly.
We need to prepare our parents, step out of the closet while you’re still ‘alone in the room’, let your parents start asking themselves questions, let them see your friends because personally I think if you’re yourself through and through, your parents will not see you any differently when you do ‘come out’ because you stepped out of the closet a long time ago. Slowly they get introduced to the ‘real you’ without any shock factor or hide and seek games.
I do know though that there are same sorry excuses for parents (forgive me) out there that will go to the extent of throwing their kids out of the house. It’s a shame that after nine months of caring another human life inside you, you would turn your back on your very own flesh and blood.
I understand being shocked and worried about what people will think but after a short while, a child’s wellbeing and the need to be loved and cared for takes priority to what your neighbours will think.
This is by no means a solution or guide to ‘coming out’, just my usual crazy thoughts about life and its mysteries.
To all my brothers and sisters that have taken the step out of the closet only to be met by judgements and hurt from their parents; hang in there, it might be hard for now but you will pull through.
To those still in the closet; when you are ready, it will happen. Take your time; a single step out of that closet will make a huge difference in your life, how you view life and how you view yourself. All I know is that when I stepped out, a warm light and a free soul took over me and I would never go back in there for any reason (it’s terribly hot in the closet, no air).
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, December 05, 2008
Why women might never rule the world
I used to get angry when I heard the saying “This is a man’s world” and when guys at tertiary would tell us that women would never be leaders because we’re too emotional and think with our hearts instead of our heads, ‘til just this past Saturday, I refused to listen to this notion.
I set in a room packed with women of all classes and prominence and yet sitting in that room I felt ashamed and wanted to hide. For two days we set there pointing fingers, blaming everyone, talking at each other instead of with each other. We trampled on each other’s hearts, criticised and not once did we affirm each other as feminists should.
For centuries women have had problems working together, everyone wants the fame but not the struggle that comes with it. We want to shine by bringing others down. We suffer from a serious case of PHD (Pull Her Down) syndrome and yet we don’t see it. We see this with the many forms of feminisms that exist or have existed, it shows that when women disagree they see this as a reason to go off and form their own little groups; today we have womanists, revolutionarists and so forth and yet all we all want is the emancipation of all women.
Another good example is when the ANC Women’s League decided to collude against each other and vote for a man as President, a man we all know as the epitome of patriarchy and male chauvinism and yet our own mothers who claim to be fighting for women and women’s rights sold us all out and voted us straight 20 years back.
During the Zuma trial when he was accused of rape, there was evidence that “he slept” (he was acquitted of rape) with an HIV positive woman without using protection and took a shower so he wouldn’t get infected. When this happened, I thought the women of South Africa would wake up and see him for what he really is but to my shock and dismay there were women with “Zuma” T-shirts hurling slurs at the women who were on the other side with placards that read “Against her will, against the law”, it was our mothers that were burning the picture of the victim and spitting on it instead of standing together in solidarity.
How are we ever going to rule the world when we can’t even support each other through such painful times? Most African leaders have let women down for centuries and yet they continue to rule because of our votes. In countries where war is rife, women and children are the ones suffering the most…I watch the news everyday and my eyes water from the pain I feel for those women and I ask myself a question “how soon ‘til we’re next”, we sit here with all the opportunities to come together to make sure that our children and their children never face such famines, such pain, such hurt and scars that will be with them forever but yet we still fight over petty things like ownership and wanting things done our way.
When I set through that meeting, my heart was bleeding, not from the things said and not from the criticism but from the lack of thinking, the lack of timing and seeing such intelligent women reduce themselves to petty queens and a bunch that can’t stand change, especially when change happens without them and not on their terms.
The struggle within this sector is still a long way from revival and change will happen, younger activists and feminists will continue the struggle in their own terms, it’s inevitable and unstoppable and we should learn to let go and give credit where credit is due.
I set in a room packed with women of all classes and prominence and yet sitting in that room I felt ashamed and wanted to hide. For two days we set there pointing fingers, blaming everyone, talking at each other instead of with each other. We trampled on each other’s hearts, criticised and not once did we affirm each other as feminists should.
For centuries women have had problems working together, everyone wants the fame but not the struggle that comes with it. We want to shine by bringing others down. We suffer from a serious case of PHD (Pull Her Down) syndrome and yet we don’t see it. We see this with the many forms of feminisms that exist or have existed, it shows that when women disagree they see this as a reason to go off and form their own little groups; today we have womanists, revolutionarists and so forth and yet all we all want is the emancipation of all women.
Another good example is when the ANC Women’s League decided to collude against each other and vote for a man as President, a man we all know as the epitome of patriarchy and male chauvinism and yet our own mothers who claim to be fighting for women and women’s rights sold us all out and voted us straight 20 years back.
During the Zuma trial when he was accused of rape, there was evidence that “he slept” (he was acquitted of rape) with an HIV positive woman without using protection and took a shower so he wouldn’t get infected. When this happened, I thought the women of South Africa would wake up and see him for what he really is but to my shock and dismay there were women with “Zuma” T-shirts hurling slurs at the women who were on the other side with placards that read “Against her will, against the law”, it was our mothers that were burning the picture of the victim and spitting on it instead of standing together in solidarity.
How are we ever going to rule the world when we can’t even support each other through such painful times? Most African leaders have let women down for centuries and yet they continue to rule because of our votes. In countries where war is rife, women and children are the ones suffering the most…I watch the news everyday and my eyes water from the pain I feel for those women and I ask myself a question “how soon ‘til we’re next”, we sit here with all the opportunities to come together to make sure that our children and their children never face such famines, such pain, such hurt and scars that will be with them forever but yet we still fight over petty things like ownership and wanting things done our way.
When I set through that meeting, my heart was bleeding, not from the things said and not from the criticism but from the lack of thinking, the lack of timing and seeing such intelligent women reduce themselves to petty queens and a bunch that can’t stand change, especially when change happens without them and not on their terms.
The struggle within this sector is still a long way from revival and change will happen, younger activists and feminists will continue the struggle in their own terms, it’s inevitable and unstoppable and we should learn to let go and give credit where credit is due.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The lost Continent
Ten days ago, sitting in my flat, I would have never 
thought that the country I was once proud of would spin out of control in the way that it has.
The hatred and barbaric behaviour that South Africans have shown, is quite clear to me that we’ve lost respect for each other and the personhood. Why do I say the ‘personhood’? It’s because if we saw each other as human beings first, all these crimes against humanity would not exist.
These scenes that I’ve witnessed in the past few days are not new to this continent of ours. We’ve seen them in Rwanda, Burundi, Kenya, Uganda, Darfur, Zimbabwe and other African countries where Human Rights violations are the norm. Only when these acts are closer to home do we speak out and respond to crisis but when it’s happening to others, it’s okay because it’s not us that suffer. Are we ever going to learn to stop responding to crisis and work at eliminating all forms discrimination that might lead us to such. Prevention is better than cure.
These act of evident hatred did not start 10 days ago but they have been happening for years, it is only now that the visuals are so disturbing that everyone is feeling repulsed, shocked, ashamed and condemning these acts. For example, Sizakele Sigasa, Salome Masooa, Zoliswa Nkonyana and recently Eudy Simelane, these are women that have been brutally raped, tortured and murdered in the past two years in this country and all because they were different and the rest of the country disagreed with their lifestyle. No one said a single word to these injustices because in the eyes of Africans…they deserved it.
Today another form of hatred has shown its ugly head, xenophobia, and people have died including some South Africans and all because they look different. When are Africans going to learn that killing is not the answer and no one deserves to be treated like an animal regardless of their sexual orientation, race, colour of their skin, country of origin and all other factors that are different in every human?
For as long as we don’t learn that Human Rights are indivisible, we will have such acts of barbarism occurring everywhere and all the time. Tomorrow we will be killing other because they’re ‘short’ and we don’t like it and we will find a justification for it.
As women’s rights, lgbti rights, children’s rights defenders we should start acknowledging that all these rights we are fighting for, are Human Rights and we need to come together and fight these injustices for a better continent free of hate and discrimination in all its forms.
thought that the country I was once proud of would spin out of control in the way that it has.The hatred and barbaric behaviour that South Africans have shown, is quite clear to me that we’ve lost respect for each other and the personhood. Why do I say the ‘personhood’? It’s because if we saw each other as human beings first, all these crimes against humanity would not exist.
These scenes that I’ve witnessed in the past few days are not new to this continent of ours. We’ve seen them in Rwanda, Burundi, Kenya, Uganda, Darfur, Zimbabwe and other African countries where Human Rights violations are the norm. Only when these acts are closer to home do we speak out and respond to crisis but when it’s happening to others, it’s okay because it’s not us that suffer. Are we ever going to learn to stop responding to crisis and work at eliminating all forms discrimination that might lead us to such. Prevention is better than cure.
These act of evident hatred did not start 10 days ago but they have been happening for years, it is only now that the visuals are so disturbing that everyone is feeling repulsed, shocked, ashamed and condemning these acts. For example, Sizakele Sigasa, Salome Masooa, Zoliswa Nkonyana and recently Eudy Simelane, these are women that have been brutally raped, tortured and murdered in the past two years in this country and all because they were different and the rest of the country disagreed with their lifestyle. No one said a single word to these injustices because in the eyes of Africans…they deserved it.
Today another form of hatred has shown its ugly head, xenophobia, and people have died including some South Africans and all because they look different. When are Africans going to learn that killing is not the answer and no one deserves to be treated like an animal regardless of their sexual orientation, race, colour of their skin, country of origin and all other factors that are different in every human?
For as long as we don’t learn that Human Rights are indivisible, we will have such acts of barbarism occurring everywhere and all the time. Tomorrow we will be killing other because they’re ‘short’ and we don’t like it and we will find a justification for it.
As women’s rights, lgbti rights, children’s rights defenders we should start acknowledging that all these rights we are fighting for, are Human Rights and we need to come together and fight these injustices for a better continent free of hate and discrimination in all its forms.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Cry my beloved Country
What has happened to this once beautiful country and its people? I’m asking this with my head hung in shame; it is painful and heartbreaking to see our people being reduced to animals like this.
I was once a proud South African but now I’m even ashamed to be called one or be associated with this country. As a person that travels a lot to other African countries, I’ve never as a foreigner in their countries been treated the way we have been treating them.
My heart bleeds to all my brothers and sisters and especially because as a lesbian woman, I can relate to the discrimination they’re facing. Discrimination in all its forms is rife in Africa. It’s time our people realised that Human Rights are universal and indivisible and all human kind is entitled to them regardless.
I’m going to be blunt and realistic about us as South African people, you might not like what I’m going to say but it is a fact that we are all aware of.
South African men in particular, have lost their minds (I’m not talking about the minority that still have their senses because I know a lot of good guys, it’s sad they have to be packed with these idiots). These are the same people that expect ‘foreigners’ to come to South Africa in 2010 and bring their money. We are busy killing our own black brothers and sisters, I don’t see any Chinese, Italians being attacked instead I see my own reflection on TV being burnt and killed.
These idiots even have the guts to appear on television and justify their inhumane behaviours. Our damn so called President is silent (I’m sure he sees no crisis), all other politicians are silent too, they have nothing to say or they just don’t want to take any responsibility. A state of emergency needs to be declared and the army must intervene or a lot of people are going to die for nothing. I am so angry that I have about a million emotions going on in me.
My beloved country is going down and its people are not even aware, soon we will be like the likes of Zimbabwe, Darfur, Rwanda because this is headed towards a civil war. Our brothers have lost their minds and we can’t do anything about it.
They claim foreigners are taking their jobs and houses but I know very well that they don’t have jobs because of their laziness and not wanting to work for anything in their lives. They want handouts and that’s how it has been for years.
I walk in the townships and see brothers sitting in corners, smoking and drinking with no care in the world. They have the opportunity to go to schools but no, school is too formal for them. Schools have rules…they don’t want to be told what to do so they sit in corners and feel sorry for themselves and blame all their problems on everyone else except themselves.
First it was “blame everything on apartheid”, now it’s “blame everything on foreigners”…what will it be tomorrow?
In the news one of the residents of Alexandra mentioned that “foreigners take our jobs, they steal and they rape our women”. Now something is wrong with this statement, I don’t know what you think but something is really wrong here…let’s go back to what we’ve read in the news lately:
It is our South African fathers and brothers that are raping women, murdering women, beating women up and stealing…yes, a couple of times I’ve seen a foreign name appear in the news for crimes but it’s always been our own South African men and no one else. My fellow sister, Eudy Simelane a Banyana Banyana player was not gang raped and murdered by 7 FOREIGNERS; it was 7 brothers from ekasi (township), brothers she knew. Sizakele and Salome were not shot execution style and raped by FOREIGNERS …it was by brothers they knew. Gugu Dlamini was not stoned by foreigners but by her own community. Zoliswa Nkonyana from Khayelitsha was not stabbed, clubbed and killed by FOREIGNERS; it was 20 boys from her neighbourhood…SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY GOING ON ABOUT?!!!
I’m angry and amazed by how far South Africans will go to abdicate responsibility for their own lives and laziness.
We are heading towards self destruction and we don’t even see it.
MAY GOD BE WITH ALL OF US, we need holy intervention because we’re not going to get it from our politicians.
I was once a proud South African but now I’m even ashamed to be called one or be associated with this country. As a person that travels a lot to other African countries, I’ve never as a foreigner in their countries been treated the way we have been treating them.
My heart bleeds to all my brothers and sisters and especially because as a lesbian woman, I can relate to the discrimination they’re facing. Discrimination in all its forms is rife in Africa. It’s time our people realised that Human Rights are universal and indivisible and all human kind is entitled to them regardless.
I’m going to be blunt and realistic about us as South African people, you might not like what I’m going to say but it is a fact that we are all aware of.
South African men in particular, have lost their minds (I’m not talking about the minority that still have their senses because I know a lot of good guys, it’s sad they have to be packed with these idiots). These are the same people that expect ‘foreigners’ to come to South Africa in 2010 and bring their money. We are busy killing our own black brothers and sisters, I don’t see any Chinese, Italians being attacked instead I see my own reflection on TV being burnt and killed.
These idiots even have the guts to appear on television and justify their inhumane behaviours. Our damn so called President is silent (I’m sure he sees no crisis), all other politicians are silent too, they have nothing to say or they just don’t want to take any responsibility. A state of emergency needs to be declared and the army must intervene or a lot of people are going to die for nothing. I am so angry that I have about a million emotions going on in me.
My beloved country is going down and its people are not even aware, soon we will be like the likes of Zimbabwe, Darfur, Rwanda because this is headed towards a civil war. Our brothers have lost their minds and we can’t do anything about it.
They claim foreigners are taking their jobs and houses but I know very well that they don’t have jobs because of their laziness and not wanting to work for anything in their lives. They want handouts and that’s how it has been for years.
I walk in the townships and see brothers sitting in corners, smoking and drinking with no care in the world. They have the opportunity to go to schools but no, school is too formal for them. Schools have rules…they don’t want to be told what to do so they sit in corners and feel sorry for themselves and blame all their problems on everyone else except themselves.
First it was “blame everything on apartheid”, now it’s “blame everything on foreigners”…what will it be tomorrow?
In the news one of the residents of Alexandra mentioned that “foreigners take our jobs, they steal and they rape our women”. Now something is wrong with this statement, I don’t know what you think but something is really wrong here…let’s go back to what we’ve read in the news lately:
It is our South African fathers and brothers that are raping women, murdering women, beating women up and stealing…yes, a couple of times I’ve seen a foreign name appear in the news for crimes but it’s always been our own South African men and no one else. My fellow sister, Eudy Simelane a Banyana Banyana player was not gang raped and murdered by 7 FOREIGNERS; it was 7 brothers from ekasi (township), brothers she knew. Sizakele and Salome were not shot execution style and raped by FOREIGNERS …it was by brothers they knew. Gugu Dlamini was not stoned by foreigners but by her own community. Zoliswa Nkonyana from Khayelitsha was not stabbed, clubbed and killed by FOREIGNERS; it was 20 boys from her neighbourhood…SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY GOING ON ABOUT?!!!
I’m angry and amazed by how far South Africans will go to abdicate responsibility for their own lives and laziness.
We are heading towards self destruction and we don’t even see it.
MAY GOD BE WITH ALL OF US, we need holy intervention because we’re not going to get it from our politicians.
Friday, April 18, 2008
The existence within me
Ever wondered what this thing called love is? Many times I’ve set and wondered and ended up more confused than I was when I began thinking about it.
I look at all the people I’ve been with in the past and that I’ve loved or atleast I thought. I’ve toyed with the feeling for years searching for goosebumps, my heart to skip a beat, my knees to go weak or to think about nothing else but the person but then with every person the feeling is different.
Sometimes I even wonder if I’ve ever been in love or know what love is at all. I mean according to chick flicks and romance novels; love never goes away or fades away, but hell! Mine has faded more times than I can count (I’m sure everyone is nodding in agreement with me on this point). Think about it, as much as I’ve loved all the people I’ve been with, I’d never go back to them – the goosebumps have been replaced by a smooth skin, my knees are as strong as the pillars of a church. So was it love? Did I invent it in my little head or big heart, I don’t know.
But let’s admit it; the thought that some feeling or force can whisk you off your feet and render you stupid is very appealing. I find always being in control very boring and stale. Ever dated a stiff? Someone you wondered whether they have feeling at all, a plain zombie when it comes to emotions. I haven’t and thank god.
See I identify as something between butch and femme, some people refer to it as androgynous and some would say ‘soft butch’, whatever you call it, I’m IT; I’m emotional, sensitive, a total woman and I cry over a romantic moment in a chick flick or a sad scene in a drama, so yeah, I’m all woman and love it.
I’m what you’d call a total believer in love, sucker for love and all it stands for. Loving someone and being loved is a wonderful feeling; it’s like floating on a cloud.
Now back to its existence. I’ve watched my parents for years, watched how they communicate, do things and even though they don’t walk around looking like love-struck teenagers, they epitomise love as I believe it to be. As much as my father acts all serious and unmoved, I know he’d die for my mother as would my mother for him. 30 years of being together, living together and raising three beautiful children with more love than we can ever get from anywhere else and still they’ve kept it tight, but please don’t get me wrong, not without obstacles, heartaches and pain.
What is it about us youngsters or lesbian women that is lacking to the point that we can’t even last ‘til the end of the movie. A 5 year relationship with us is like a lifetime achievement, we run out of fuel or the will to make things work and we just let it go. I think most women still believe in ‘Mrs Right’ or ‘Mr Right’ if you swing that way and we forget to focus our energies on what we have now, we are always looking for the next best thing. We don’t like reality much either; when a relationship is still in its baby steps, where your partner still opens doors for you or rubs your feet when you get back from work, we’re at our peak but once things start to slow down, we whine and complain and focus on all the wrong things they do instead of accepting that the honeymoon is over and it’s time for some real work – communicating your needs and putting more effort in loving than documenting the wrongs.
Well, in my many years of loving, I’ve learnt that nothing is certain but that love truly exists whether for a moment or a lifetime. How did I come to this conclusion you wonder; did I get goosebumps? Did my heart skip a beat? Did my knees go weak? Yes, yes, yes but the feeling doesn’t last forever, soon reality kicks in and it’s time to work and keep the flame burning. Once in a while I look into my baby’s eyes and a brush of weakness in my knees pops up and time stands still as my heart skips a couple of beats and right there and then I’m reminded that loves lives in this heart of mine, I hold my baby tight, close my eyes and thank the lord for this existence.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Life’s mysteries
Ever wondered what life was all about or what the purpose of this rollercoaster is? I do it all the time and as expected, I never find the answer. At times I think that’s exactly the point, for us never to know the answer to this question and to live life to its fullest trying to find answers.
A couple of months back, after the break up with my fiancée. I found myself asking myself this elusive question over and over in my head. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out how things got so bad between the two of us and why it didn’t hurt the way I had thought it would. I’d remind myself of all those nights I lay there watching her sleeping peacefully next to me and I’d think to myself “I’d die if this relationship never works” or I’d be thinking “I’ll never get into another serious relationship if this one fails” or “I cannot imagine life without her”
Three years of building and crafting a relationship and to just decide it’s not what we want after that long. Everyone thought we were mad or someone had to have done something terrible to the other for this to happen and the truth of the matter is that nothing extreme happened…It just ended, as confusing as that sounds. So the next question in people’s minds becomes, “Did they even love each other at all?” the answer is absolutely, we were crazy about each other and we never even looked beyond life without each other (or atleast I didn’t). Oh I did look and notice other beautiful women and flirt in the process, any living being would do the same…I think but never did I take it to the next level. My cheating were my thoughts…I admit.
But after my long thoughts trying to figure this whole life thing out, I came to a realisation that I’ve grown as a person and a lover. Though it took a gazillion heartbreaks and stressing over losing someone…in the end I’m the lover I’ve always dreamt of being…a true Don-Juan Demarco ;-)
I loved with all my heart in that relationship and so my heart was fulfilled even though it ended, I had to move on. The world had other plans in mind for this lover and I’m content with this. In the end it feels great to understand some aspects of life. Imagine how many people have been hurt or have hurt others in this world…It is one big conundrum that we all belong to. If we were to spend our lives asking questions, crying and hurting but not moving on what lessons would we take from life…nothing. So we hurt and heal and the future looks even brighter than it did when we were dwelling in pain.
I remember when I was still in high school and one of my subjects was history. I used to enjoy my classes, learning about ‘The rise and fall of Hitler’, ‘Stalin’ and ‘The Anglo-Boer War’ just to mention a few. My teacher always said the reason for us to learn about these things was so that we don’t repeat them in the future. I found that to be an interesting point and a funny one at that because everything that we were learning about, was repeated over and over in the future hence the millions of history books.
The Boers did to the Africans (blacks) in South Africa the same thing that Hitler did to the Jews. George Bush is doing to Iraq what his father Bush Senior did in the Gulf War. Africans are doing the same to Gay people all over Africa, killing them and discriminating against us because of our sexual orientation, Christians think they’re better than everyone else. Everyone thinks that they know something more about life than the next person, whereas we all know nothing and it kills us not to understand or have answers for why some things are the way they are in the universe. All that History has taught me is that people do not like what doesn’t look, think, feel, like them or is different in any form or shape. It’s the philosophy of life, period.
Look at what’s happening in Zimbabwe. Robert Mugabe has lost his mind and he’s violating every human right in the book and no one is saying anything, instead we see him everyday on the news visiting other countries and shaking the hands of the so-called powerful people. Why is everyone silent?! Why is the world silent?! He walks around in his expensive suits, waving at the crowds that clearly bow down to him, they look so poor and so hungry but yet come next elections, they will put him back on that high pedestal.
Hitler had so much power in Germany; he turned the country into his own personal blood bath and no one said anything. He spoke of a perfect race of blonde and blue eyed people, he ordered his officers to kill black haired and brown eyed people but HE HAD BLACK HAIR AND BROWN EYES! Are you telling me no one could see that?
There’s a saying that says “The struggle never ends, it just changes form” and this is and will always be the way of the world and this thing we call life.
A couple of months back, after the break up with my fiancée. I found myself asking myself this elusive question over and over in my head. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out how things got so bad between the two of us and why it didn’t hurt the way I had thought it would. I’d remind myself of all those nights I lay there watching her sleeping peacefully next to me and I’d think to myself “I’d die if this relationship never works” or I’d be thinking “I’ll never get into another serious relationship if this one fails” or “I cannot imagine life without her”
Three years of building and crafting a relationship and to just decide it’s not what we want after that long. Everyone thought we were mad or someone had to have done something terrible to the other for this to happen and the truth of the matter is that nothing extreme happened…It just ended, as confusing as that sounds. So the next question in people’s minds becomes, “Did they even love each other at all?” the answer is absolutely, we were crazy about each other and we never even looked beyond life without each other (or atleast I didn’t). Oh I did look and notice other beautiful women and flirt in the process, any living being would do the same…I think but never did I take it to the next level. My cheating were my thoughts…I admit.
But after my long thoughts trying to figure this whole life thing out, I came to a realisation that I’ve grown as a person and a lover. Though it took a gazillion heartbreaks and stressing over losing someone…in the end I’m the lover I’ve always dreamt of being…a true Don-Juan Demarco ;-)
I loved with all my heart in that relationship and so my heart was fulfilled even though it ended, I had to move on. The world had other plans in mind for this lover and I’m content with this. In the end it feels great to understand some aspects of life. Imagine how many people have been hurt or have hurt others in this world…It is one big conundrum that we all belong to. If we were to spend our lives asking questions, crying and hurting but not moving on what lessons would we take from life…nothing. So we hurt and heal and the future looks even brighter than it did when we were dwelling in pain.
I remember when I was still in high school and one of my subjects was history. I used to enjoy my classes, learning about ‘The rise and fall of Hitler’, ‘Stalin’ and ‘The Anglo-Boer War’ just to mention a few. My teacher always said the reason for us to learn about these things was so that we don’t repeat them in the future. I found that to be an interesting point and a funny one at that because everything that we were learning about, was repeated over and over in the future hence the millions of history books.
The Boers did to the Africans (blacks) in South Africa the same thing that Hitler did to the Jews. George Bush is doing to Iraq what his father Bush Senior did in the Gulf War. Africans are doing the same to Gay people all over Africa, killing them and discriminating against us because of our sexual orientation, Christians think they’re better than everyone else. Everyone thinks that they know something more about life than the next person, whereas we all know nothing and it kills us not to understand or have answers for why some things are the way they are in the universe. All that History has taught me is that people do not like what doesn’t look, think, feel, like them or is different in any form or shape. It’s the philosophy of life, period.
Look at what’s happening in Zimbabwe. Robert Mugabe has lost his mind and he’s violating every human right in the book and no one is saying anything, instead we see him everyday on the news visiting other countries and shaking the hands of the so-called powerful people. Why is everyone silent?! Why is the world silent?! He walks around in his expensive suits, waving at the crowds that clearly bow down to him, they look so poor and so hungry but yet come next elections, they will put him back on that high pedestal.
Hitler had so much power in Germany; he turned the country into his own personal blood bath and no one said anything. He spoke of a perfect race of blonde and blue eyed people, he ordered his officers to kill black haired and brown eyed people but HE HAD BLACK HAIR AND BROWN EYES! Are you telling me no one could see that?
There’s a saying that says “The struggle never ends, it just changes form” and this is and will always be the way of the world and this thing we call life.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
My Birthday!
Today is my birthday, I’m turning 28! What a year it’s been…and here I am still alive and going strong. I’ve had my share of up and downs, lost friends and family and loved ones but then again that’s just life and the show must go on.My first birthday wishes at exactly 12am came from my two sisters (my babies)…I was so happy and excited, It took me a while to get back to sleep ;-) Only these two angels can manage to bring light into my life with just an sms. I love them to bits and pieces!
28 beautiful years on this earth, I must be the luckiest woman alive. I have a wonderful family, supportive friends and more people that love me more than I can imagine.
The skies lit up
Smiles on faces brightened the room
A beautiful little angel entered this world in tears
But they weren’t tears of fear, just tears of joy
Born to a family of so much love
The little seedling grew into a beautiful rose
Her smile brightened the world
The love she got shone through her eyes
A star had been born
And mother earth knew this and smiled at her
Today she embarks on another journey
A journey to put more smiles on more faces
Today she touches her bright future
Filled with love and joy
Her eyes twinkle with excitement as she looks forward to another year
Namhlanje kudansa izingelosi nabaphansi
Ngoba wena uzelwe
Phambili Mthembu ka Sodiza, Ntsele ka Linda Mkhonto
Ikusasa lakho lisezandleni zakho
Umvelinqangi ukuphile…kusebenzise kahle
Suk’olumnandi Sodiza!
Monday, October 09, 2006
Chapter 5: Making new friends
After my break up, I spent a lot of time visiting my friend Ndu in Newcastle. We had a great time together, he was a brother to me who knew of my sexual orientation, my ups and downs with women and was very accepting and supportive. I could talk to him about everything, even the nitty-gritty details of my sex life.
When we met at technikon we were just friends and had gone through a lot together, we’d even cried together over women and would laugh at each other the next morning, ours was a friendship that was destined to last. Over the years we grew closer and our friendship took a different turn…he was more of a brother to me than just a friend.
When he moved to Newcastle, he met a young woman who was staying with her long time partner and he felt that we would get along if we met. So one weekend I decided to go down and visit him. He introduced me to this lesbian couple who had been together for years. Beautiful women, young, successful and fun to be around. We got on like a house on fire and were determined to continue this new found friendship.
Cat and Q were the friendliest, open people I’d ever met; Q has a strong personality and you could tell she preferred more orderly things and had strong leadership qualities but knew when to play, and on the other hand Cat was exactly that…like a cat…she was more playful, cuddly, naughty, loved to laugh, talkative and together they made a mean couple.
I looked at them and knew that I would have a relationship like that one day.
Around this time I had started working part-time for a gay media organisation. It is here that I began to meet a lot of influential people like Zan, she is a loud Zulu woman who speaks her mind and knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. I liked that about her because as much as I believed that I knew what I wanted; I wasn’t as aggressive and truly didn’t know how to get it. Zan is a highly acclaimed photographer and an activist.
She told me about a group of women who wanted to start an organisation for black lesbian women, and that they were meeting once every month. It sounded like something I would be interested in as I was really proactive about such things. That’s how I got into this whole activism business. I felt that as a lesbian woman, I had to stand up and fight for myself instead of hiding away and letting other people fight my battles for me. Each time there was an insult hurled at homosexuals, I knew that even if I would stay in the closet forever; that insult is meant for me too. The more I got involved the more I realised that it was time for me to start thinking about coming out to my parents as this kind of work requires someone who is out there talking the talk and walking the walk.
While working for the media organisation, I met a whole community of gay and lesbian people; I had never met so many homosexuals in my life or even contemplated the existence of so many of them. They were the people you see everyday; Doctors, lawyers, business people, your next door neighbour and so forth. Most didn’t even conform to the stereotypes that people have of gay people; that a gay men would be dressed in tight clothing and swayed their hips from left to right like some ramp models and that lesbians are these scary women that dress in men’s clothing (though all of this is still part of the spectrum).
Each day I learnt something new from the people I met and realised that this is a worthy cause to fight for and even die for if it comes to that.
The Gay and Lesbian movement in South Africa is not as aggressive as I’d want it to be, I think we let people say and do as they please as far as we’re concerned. Politicians, Christians and other homophobic groups say things to us that we just take in and do nothing about.
Whenever I read about the anti-apartheid movement and see documentaries done, the passion that’s involved is so intense. When African students took to the streets of Soweto in 1976, you could see that their voices were in unison and that they knew what they were fighting for. A lot of them died on that day but the fruits of their death are visible today; young people today can do so much that they couldn’t in those days.
That’s the passion I wish for when it comes to the Gay and Lesbian Movement. Right now we’re pulling in different directions and some are concerned with their own issues and don’t feel that they have to be part of this movement. Unlike in the apartheid era, most LGBTI people sit back and let others speak for them. People like Bev Ditsie and Simon Nkoli started the movement for us and we have to continue with it and not lose focus on what we’re fighting for.
My first PRIDE march was when I came back from technikon. I was so excited and looking forward to marching for a cause for the first time in my life. I hadn’t even come out formally to my parents but I told myself that if I had to be seen on television, I’d have to deal with it then but I was going regardless of the consequences. What a colourful experience it was, I remember I was so excited and felt like a 2 year old eating candy for the very first time.
My life was taking a turn, I was growing into an adult, my whole outlook on life and my priorities had changed.
When we met at technikon we were just friends and had gone through a lot together, we’d even cried together over women and would laugh at each other the next morning, ours was a friendship that was destined to last. Over the years we grew closer and our friendship took a different turn…he was more of a brother to me than just a friend.
When he moved to Newcastle, he met a young woman who was staying with her long time partner and he felt that we would get along if we met. So one weekend I decided to go down and visit him. He introduced me to this lesbian couple who had been together for years. Beautiful women, young, successful and fun to be around. We got on like a house on fire and were determined to continue this new found friendship.
Cat and Q were the friendliest, open people I’d ever met; Q has a strong personality and you could tell she preferred more orderly things and had strong leadership qualities but knew when to play, and on the other hand Cat was exactly that…like a cat…she was more playful, cuddly, naughty, loved to laugh, talkative and together they made a mean couple.
I looked at them and knew that I would have a relationship like that one day.
Around this time I had started working part-time for a gay media organisation. It is here that I began to meet a lot of influential people like Zan, she is a loud Zulu woman who speaks her mind and knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. I liked that about her because as much as I believed that I knew what I wanted; I wasn’t as aggressive and truly didn’t know how to get it. Zan is a highly acclaimed photographer and an activist.
She told me about a group of women who wanted to start an organisation for black lesbian women, and that they were meeting once every month. It sounded like something I would be interested in as I was really proactive about such things. That’s how I got into this whole activism business. I felt that as a lesbian woman, I had to stand up and fight for myself instead of hiding away and letting other people fight my battles for me. Each time there was an insult hurled at homosexuals, I knew that even if I would stay in the closet forever; that insult is meant for me too. The more I got involved the more I realised that it was time for me to start thinking about coming out to my parents as this kind of work requires someone who is out there talking the talk and walking the walk.
While working for the media organisation, I met a whole community of gay and lesbian people; I had never met so many homosexuals in my life or even contemplated the existence of so many of them. They were the people you see everyday; Doctors, lawyers, business people, your next door neighbour and so forth. Most didn’t even conform to the stereotypes that people have of gay people; that a gay men would be dressed in tight clothing and swayed their hips from left to right like some ramp models and that lesbians are these scary women that dress in men’s clothing (though all of this is still part of the spectrum).
Each day I learnt something new from the people I met and realised that this is a worthy cause to fight for and even die for if it comes to that.
The Gay and Lesbian movement in South Africa is not as aggressive as I’d want it to be, I think we let people say and do as they please as far as we’re concerned. Politicians, Christians and other homophobic groups say things to us that we just take in and do nothing about.
Whenever I read about the anti-apartheid movement and see documentaries done, the passion that’s involved is so intense. When African students took to the streets of Soweto in 1976, you could see that their voices were in unison and that they knew what they were fighting for. A lot of them died on that day but the fruits of their death are visible today; young people today can do so much that they couldn’t in those days.
That’s the passion I wish for when it comes to the Gay and Lesbian Movement. Right now we’re pulling in different directions and some are concerned with their own issues and don’t feel that they have to be part of this movement. Unlike in the apartheid era, most LGBTI people sit back and let others speak for them. People like Bev Ditsie and Simon Nkoli started the movement for us and we have to continue with it and not lose focus on what we’re fighting for.
My first PRIDE march was when I came back from technikon. I was so excited and looking forward to marching for a cause for the first time in my life. I hadn’t even come out formally to my parents but I told myself that if I had to be seen on television, I’d have to deal with it then but I was going regardless of the consequences. What a colourful experience it was, I remember I was so excited and felt like a 2 year old eating candy for the very first time.
My life was taking a turn, I was growing into an adult, my whole outlook on life and my priorities had changed.
Chapter 4: Back in JHB
Here I was back home, jobless, still missing my ex-girlfriend from Durban but because I had told myself I needed to go on with my life, one Sunday morning I decided to go to a gay church and there she was this beautiful mature woman, singing in the church choir. Needless to say I went to church every Sunday after that. I was told she had a partner already so I tried to back off but the urge was too strong and I eventually made a move and she responded. We hooked up and started getting to know each other, then one thing led to another.
She would visit my house as I was still staying with my parents. We enjoyed each other’s company and had great sex but there was one problem, she was still staying with her partner at the time. For four years I had lived on my own in Durban, could do anything I wanted to do in my own time and pace, now here I was at home and couldn’t even have privacy with my woman. I was getting a bit frustrated with the arrangements and the fact that I wasn’t getting a job either was starting to get to me.
We went on dating on the DL (Down low), the thought of being caught was invigorating. She eventually broke it off with her partner who wasn’t impressed with me at all. We were so in love and enjoyed each other’s company a whole lot but our relationship had signs of doom from the beginning. We never saw eyes to eye and argued almost all the time, whenever we had a fight she would say I didn’t love her. She loved her friends and going out that she pushed everything else to the side, including herself. I spoke to her many times about how I felt and how she needed to change in order for her life to improve. Now I’ll admit, I’m a pushover when it comes to women and at that time I was afraid of being alone if we broke up and so I tried to keep the peace within the relationship, even though it was clear we were not meant to be together.
There was one incident that made things clear for me. I was starting to get into the whole JHB lesbian scene, enjoying myself and meeting new people all the time. During that time I met a very interesting woman, Kay. She was fun, intelligent, extremely sexy and I liked her. Even though I was attracted to her, I refrained from acting on the feelings. Then one afternoon we decided to go and have coffee after work, she needed to talk as she had a fight with her boss. We met and had a great time but someone who knew us called my partner and told her I was out with someone else.
We got into a big fight about it and even broke up for a couple of days, when we eventually talked about the incident, she explained to me that she would take me back only if I never speak to my newfound friend ever again…that’s when I realised how controlling she was and how I could never survive in the relationship but because I wasn’t ready to lose her, I agreed but of course I continued talking to my friend (we’re still good friends even today).
It was downhill from then on as we continued to fight all the time. We’d make up on one thing and something else would come up, this wasn’t what I wanted in a relationship and clearly we both hated that. I had to look deep down within myself as to what I wanted, and each time I decided this wasn’t it; the fear of starting another relationship would consume me and I would apologise to her for whatever it was that we were fighting over, and then the circle would start all over again; we fight…we make up…this was the story of our life.
One day I think we both had had enough of the fighting, the love I had for her started dwindling away and I knew there was nothing left for us to make up. I think she also felt the same way and after a year we decided to let go. Even though I had gone through losing a lover before, it still hurt really bad but life goes on. There comes a time when you get over someone, no matter how much you loved them, you learn to move on without them and the pain of losing them becomes a part of you, something you can live with.
By this time I had really given up on falling in love and being together forever. I told myself that I’d just go with the flow, if I met a girl I liked then I’d just take it slow and see where it takes me.
I was still in contact with my ex-girl from Durban. I told her of what had happened and we both decided to meet in Newcastle, halfway between JHB and Durban to visit a school friend of ours. We spent the whole weekend in wonderland, talking and just holding each other. We spoke about things we had planned to do when we were still together and laughed about things we had done during those years. It was then that I realised that more than anything we were very good friends. It was refreshing and I was convinced I would never meet anyone else that I would love as much as I loved her.
She would visit my house as I was still staying with my parents. We enjoyed each other’s company and had great sex but there was one problem, she was still staying with her partner at the time. For four years I had lived on my own in Durban, could do anything I wanted to do in my own time and pace, now here I was at home and couldn’t even have privacy with my woman. I was getting a bit frustrated with the arrangements and the fact that I wasn’t getting a job either was starting to get to me.
We went on dating on the DL (Down low), the thought of being caught was invigorating. She eventually broke it off with her partner who wasn’t impressed with me at all. We were so in love and enjoyed each other’s company a whole lot but our relationship had signs of doom from the beginning. We never saw eyes to eye and argued almost all the time, whenever we had a fight she would say I didn’t love her. She loved her friends and going out that she pushed everything else to the side, including herself. I spoke to her many times about how I felt and how she needed to change in order for her life to improve. Now I’ll admit, I’m a pushover when it comes to women and at that time I was afraid of being alone if we broke up and so I tried to keep the peace within the relationship, even though it was clear we were not meant to be together.
There was one incident that made things clear for me. I was starting to get into the whole JHB lesbian scene, enjoying myself and meeting new people all the time. During that time I met a very interesting woman, Kay. She was fun, intelligent, extremely sexy and I liked her. Even though I was attracted to her, I refrained from acting on the feelings. Then one afternoon we decided to go and have coffee after work, she needed to talk as she had a fight with her boss. We met and had a great time but someone who knew us called my partner and told her I was out with someone else.
We got into a big fight about it and even broke up for a couple of days, when we eventually talked about the incident, she explained to me that she would take me back only if I never speak to my newfound friend ever again…that’s when I realised how controlling she was and how I could never survive in the relationship but because I wasn’t ready to lose her, I agreed but of course I continued talking to my friend (we’re still good friends even today).
It was downhill from then on as we continued to fight all the time. We’d make up on one thing and something else would come up, this wasn’t what I wanted in a relationship and clearly we both hated that. I had to look deep down within myself as to what I wanted, and each time I decided this wasn’t it; the fear of starting another relationship would consume me and I would apologise to her for whatever it was that we were fighting over, and then the circle would start all over again; we fight…we make up…this was the story of our life.
One day I think we both had had enough of the fighting, the love I had for her started dwindling away and I knew there was nothing left for us to make up. I think she also felt the same way and after a year we decided to let go. Even though I had gone through losing a lover before, it still hurt really bad but life goes on. There comes a time when you get over someone, no matter how much you loved them, you learn to move on without them and the pain of losing them becomes a part of you, something you can live with.
By this time I had really given up on falling in love and being together forever. I told myself that I’d just go with the flow, if I met a girl I liked then I’d just take it slow and see where it takes me.
I was still in contact with my ex-girl from Durban. I told her of what had happened and we both decided to meet in Newcastle, halfway between JHB and Durban to visit a school friend of ours. We spent the whole weekend in wonderland, talking and just holding each other. We spoke about things we had planned to do when we were still together and laughed about things we had done during those years. It was then that I realised that more than anything we were very good friends. It was refreshing and I was convinced I would never meet anyone else that I would love as much as I loved her.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Chapter 3: Religion and my sexuality
I grew up in a catholic church, went to a catholic Primary School and never missed Sunday Mass. I used to spend my spare time reading the bible at times because I found it very intriguing. Here is a book that most people claim to live by and those that don’t, are basically doomed to hell. The bible is no.1 when it comes to instilling fear in people.
Now as a young girl growing up in Soweto and from a highly religious background, I always thought that the bible was about love, respect and acknowledgement of my creator but with life that understanding changed. I learned that the bible to most ‘Christians’ was about discrimination, hatred, control, ignorance and judgement. I read once from the Bible that when the Pharisees brought in a woman who had committed adultery for stoning, Jesus said to them “Let him without sin throw the first stone, [John 8:7]” and yet even up to today we are still throwing stones at each other.
I do not deny that I’m a sinner, not because of my sexuality, but because I’m human and I falls into temptations now and again but then again…don’t we all.
When I first realised that I was different from other girls, I was so confused…and every article I read about homosexuals was saying how evil and wrong it was and how we are all going to burn in hell like the people in Sodom and Gomorrah. Then it was hate crimes against homosexuals that caught my attention because until then, I had thought people would never just hurt you without you provoking them. Now as an adult I realise that all this hate is perpetuated by the same people that claim to spread the word of God, the society is allowed to hurl insults at us; when lesbian women get raped…people are always saying “it’s their fault for pretending to be men”; people’s basic human rights are violated and ‘Christians’ are right there in front, leading the pack.
I am a believer in God and no Pastor, not even a Pope can change that. God is the God of Love and not hatred. Today’s Christians form political parties under the pretences of routing out evil from society. How did politics and God become one thing? Politicians are known to be manipulators and liars while Christians are known to be peacemakers and spreaders of love.
Just recently on TV, a well known South African show aired a programme on ‘violence against black lesbians’ where a group of boys was interviewed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing as I sat there in my lounge watching these boys. In a country where discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation is prohibited, a country where violence against women is intolerable, men had the guts to appear on TV and say that they would rape lesbian women if they got the chance in order to show then that they’re women and that their ‘pussies’ are meant to bear children. I was shocked out of my mind! And two days later, no one from any political party or religious group had made a comment on the programme but had the programme been about lesbians getting married or adopting children…I assure you that the next day, there would have been a HUGE front page headline with the response from one of these groups.
South African police are always praised on the good job that they do when it comes to solving cases of high profile people but for us that have absolutely nothing, it’s a losing battle. I agree that not all police are corrupt and useless but there are more of those than the good ones. Try and report a rape case in South Africa as a lesbian woman, instead of being helped, you will be bombarded by questions regarding your sexuality and sermons on how wrong it is to be a homosexual.
One thing that I’ve noticed is that whenever I have a conversation with a stranger and the issue of a relationship and my partner comes up, usually the person will assume it’s a man but then when I politely mention that it’s a woman, they immediately feel a bit uncomfortable. Some are braver and don’t mind but then my favourite question will immediately follow: “Such a beautiful woman, what happened, were you hurt by a man?” As if being a lesbian is some sort of a getaway lodge or a stroll in the park. People assume we choose this life because we are just suckers for pain. Why would anyone in their right mind choose to be homosexual, knowing very well that anytime they could get attacked, physically and verbally, that they’ll spend their days looking over their shoulder, have their parents throw them out of the house, be ostracised from the church that they spent their whole childhood in, have people look at you as if you got some disease?
Now as a young girl growing up in Soweto and from a highly religious background, I always thought that the bible was about love, respect and acknowledgement of my creator but with life that understanding changed. I learned that the bible to most ‘Christians’ was about discrimination, hatred, control, ignorance and judgement. I read once from the Bible that when the Pharisees brought in a woman who had committed adultery for stoning, Jesus said to them “Let him without sin throw the first stone, [John 8:7]” and yet even up to today we are still throwing stones at each other.
I do not deny that I’m a sinner, not because of my sexuality, but because I’m human and I falls into temptations now and again but then again…don’t we all.
When I first realised that I was different from other girls, I was so confused…and every article I read about homosexuals was saying how evil and wrong it was and how we are all going to burn in hell like the people in Sodom and Gomorrah. Then it was hate crimes against homosexuals that caught my attention because until then, I had thought people would never just hurt you without you provoking them. Now as an adult I realise that all this hate is perpetuated by the same people that claim to spread the word of God, the society is allowed to hurl insults at us; when lesbian women get raped…people are always saying “it’s their fault for pretending to be men”; people’s basic human rights are violated and ‘Christians’ are right there in front, leading the pack.
I am a believer in God and no Pastor, not even a Pope can change that. God is the God of Love and not hatred. Today’s Christians form political parties under the pretences of routing out evil from society. How did politics and God become one thing? Politicians are known to be manipulators and liars while Christians are known to be peacemakers and spreaders of love.
Just recently on TV, a well known South African show aired a programme on ‘violence against black lesbians’ where a group of boys was interviewed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing as I sat there in my lounge watching these boys. In a country where discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation is prohibited, a country where violence against women is intolerable, men had the guts to appear on TV and say that they would rape lesbian women if they got the chance in order to show then that they’re women and that their ‘pussies’ are meant to bear children. I was shocked out of my mind! And two days later, no one from any political party or religious group had made a comment on the programme but had the programme been about lesbians getting married or adopting children…I assure you that the next day, there would have been a HUGE front page headline with the response from one of these groups.
South African police are always praised on the good job that they do when it comes to solving cases of high profile people but for us that have absolutely nothing, it’s a losing battle. I agree that not all police are corrupt and useless but there are more of those than the good ones. Try and report a rape case in South Africa as a lesbian woman, instead of being helped, you will be bombarded by questions regarding your sexuality and sermons on how wrong it is to be a homosexual.
One thing that I’ve noticed is that whenever I have a conversation with a stranger and the issue of a relationship and my partner comes up, usually the person will assume it’s a man but then when I politely mention that it’s a woman, they immediately feel a bit uncomfortable. Some are braver and don’t mind but then my favourite question will immediately follow: “Such a beautiful woman, what happened, were you hurt by a man?” As if being a lesbian is some sort of a getaway lodge or a stroll in the park. People assume we choose this life because we are just suckers for pain. Why would anyone in their right mind choose to be homosexual, knowing very well that anytime they could get attacked, physically and verbally, that they’ll spend their days looking over their shoulder, have their parents throw them out of the house, be ostracised from the church that they spent their whole childhood in, have people look at you as if you got some disease?
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Chapter 2: Enter Adulthood
That relationship lasted for a year.
It was an experience I will never forget. The beauty of a woman does not necessarily make her a beautiful person inside and sometimes even though she is beautiful inside…that beauty is concealed by a lot of baggage. I learned the hard way, had my heart broken in the process but emerged a stronger woman and even more determined to find my queen.
There I was walking around feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I had wasted a whole year with the ‘angel’ that fell on my lap, luckily for me I had friends to pull me out of this miserable dungeon I had locked myself in. By this stage I had started drinking and smoking and partying like there’s no tomorrow (I’m very lucky I didn’t ruin my life in the process), drowned my sorrows and got over my ex.
I was still not ready to be in another serious relationship but women are just too beautiful, I couldn’t stay away for too long. I met this sweet, gentle but outspoken woman and we agreed to take it slow…but like I said before, women are just too irresistible. In no time were all over each other and couldn’t keep our hands off. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that all relationships come with their own challenges. This one went well for a while and we even moved into my flat together and everything was just groovy, then her ex came into the picture…a scary, obsessive boy who just refused to stay away and in the process made my girl’s life hell.
He stalked her, knew her every move and even had a class timetable so he could find her any day. For month our lives were turned upside down…luckily for me, he thought we were friends and never suspected that we were lovers (only God knows what he would have done to me, had he known). The situation got so bad that one day, just before the year-end exams, he caught up with her while she was walking back from campus and kidnapped her. I was out of my mind with worry, thinking of all the things he’d do to her…especially since he was her ex-boyfriend. A couple of her friends and I went to the police station to report her missing but were told that she’s over 18 and if she’s as afraid of him as we say she is…then even if they went over to his place, she could be afraid to say he kidnapped her…our energies, and pleas fell on deaf ears, we were told to come back after 24 hours if she’s still missing.
I lay awake all night not knowing what to do, images of him touching her haunting my mind…I paced up and down, tried to watch TV but nothing could take away the fear I had inside…I cried until I couldn’t cry no more…the pain and fear turned to anger. ANGER at her for not telling me about her crazy ex, ANGER at him for not even realising my existence, ANGER at the whole world for breeding monsters like him and ANGER at God for making him stronger than me physically…I couldn’t fight for my woman and it hurt. Eventually, in the midst of all those emotions, I fell asleep…
The buzzer went off at around 6am; I jumped up still drowsy and went to answer the door…there she was standing there, her eyes swollen from crying and I didn’t know what to say to her…she came inside and sat down. She started telling me the whole story, from when she met the guy to their break-up and his obsessive behaviour. I was still angry with her for not fighting him off when he took her but now realise how scared she was of him. At the time, I couldn’t understand how someone could take you against your will and how you could not scream, shout, fight or do something until I watched her have nightmares, sleepless nights and fear of going to campus because of him…only then did I realise the power he had over her and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.
Her parents didn’t know of her relationships on campus but the threats came to a point where she had to tell her father (a strict Zulu man). His reaction stunned me because he ordered her to leave tertiary and go back home; it was the worst day of my life because after two years of staying together, she had to leave Durban. This was my last year of tertiary and I was due to go back home to JHB.
We continued our long-distance relationship for two more years until we both realised it wasn’t working and that we had to face facts and move on without each other. In the beginning it was hard…I couldn’t imagine life without her (when I get into a relationship, I give it my all). I met another woman in JHB but it was still hard, we kept in touch and gave each other blessings to go ahead with our lives and meet new people then eventually after some time…I managed to see a life without her and moved on fully.
In life we go through so many life-changing events but we tend to pretend that they never existed or that those things never matter in our lives. For me, every person that I have met, whether it is a friend, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, has left a huge mark in my life. It is because of these experiences and people that I am who I am today…directly or indirectly. I have moved on with my life, yes, and have learned from these lessons.
It was an experience I will never forget. The beauty of a woman does not necessarily make her a beautiful person inside and sometimes even though she is beautiful inside…that beauty is concealed by a lot of baggage. I learned the hard way, had my heart broken in the process but emerged a stronger woman and even more determined to find my queen.
There I was walking around feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I had wasted a whole year with the ‘angel’ that fell on my lap, luckily for me I had friends to pull me out of this miserable dungeon I had locked myself in. By this stage I had started drinking and smoking and partying like there’s no tomorrow (I’m very lucky I didn’t ruin my life in the process), drowned my sorrows and got over my ex.
I was still not ready to be in another serious relationship but women are just too beautiful, I couldn’t stay away for too long. I met this sweet, gentle but outspoken woman and we agreed to take it slow…but like I said before, women are just too irresistible. In no time were all over each other and couldn’t keep our hands off. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that all relationships come with their own challenges. This one went well for a while and we even moved into my flat together and everything was just groovy, then her ex came into the picture…a scary, obsessive boy who just refused to stay away and in the process made my girl’s life hell.
He stalked her, knew her every move and even had a class timetable so he could find her any day. For month our lives were turned upside down…luckily for me, he thought we were friends and never suspected that we were lovers (only God knows what he would have done to me, had he known). The situation got so bad that one day, just before the year-end exams, he caught up with her while she was walking back from campus and kidnapped her. I was out of my mind with worry, thinking of all the things he’d do to her…especially since he was her ex-boyfriend. A couple of her friends and I went to the police station to report her missing but were told that she’s over 18 and if she’s as afraid of him as we say she is…then even if they went over to his place, she could be afraid to say he kidnapped her…our energies, and pleas fell on deaf ears, we were told to come back after 24 hours if she’s still missing.
I lay awake all night not knowing what to do, images of him touching her haunting my mind…I paced up and down, tried to watch TV but nothing could take away the fear I had inside…I cried until I couldn’t cry no more…the pain and fear turned to anger. ANGER at her for not telling me about her crazy ex, ANGER at him for not even realising my existence, ANGER at the whole world for breeding monsters like him and ANGER at God for making him stronger than me physically…I couldn’t fight for my woman and it hurt. Eventually, in the midst of all those emotions, I fell asleep…
The buzzer went off at around 6am; I jumped up still drowsy and went to answer the door…there she was standing there, her eyes swollen from crying and I didn’t know what to say to her…she came inside and sat down. She started telling me the whole story, from when she met the guy to their break-up and his obsessive behaviour. I was still angry with her for not fighting him off when he took her but now realise how scared she was of him. At the time, I couldn’t understand how someone could take you against your will and how you could not scream, shout, fight or do something until I watched her have nightmares, sleepless nights and fear of going to campus because of him…only then did I realise the power he had over her and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.
Her parents didn’t know of her relationships on campus but the threats came to a point where she had to tell her father (a strict Zulu man). His reaction stunned me because he ordered her to leave tertiary and go back home; it was the worst day of my life because after two years of staying together, she had to leave Durban. This was my last year of tertiary and I was due to go back home to JHB.
We continued our long-distance relationship for two more years until we both realised it wasn’t working and that we had to face facts and move on without each other. In the beginning it was hard…I couldn’t imagine life without her (when I get into a relationship, I give it my all). I met another woman in JHB but it was still hard, we kept in touch and gave each other blessings to go ahead with our lives and meet new people then eventually after some time…I managed to see a life without her and moved on fully.
In life we go through so many life-changing events but we tend to pretend that they never existed or that those things never matter in our lives. For me, every person that I have met, whether it is a friend, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, has left a huge mark in my life. It is because of these experiences and people that I am who I am today…directly or indirectly. I have moved on with my life, yes, and have learned from these lessons.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
My life's story
Chapter 1: When I was a young girl
12, 13 or maybe 15…can’t remember clearly how old I was but I do remember that it was around that age. I’ve always been a dreamer and from a young age I started thinking about how I would treat my woman, and what a good lover I’d be when I was older. Whenever we went to the mall with my parents, I’d watch beautiful, young couples walking by and imagine I was the woman’s partner. I couldn’t wait to get to their age.
When I finished High School; life seemed so bright and finally the years I’d been waiting for had arrived…I was off to Durban (about 650km away from Johannesburg). I imagined the blue ocean waters, women prancing around in bikinis and I in the middle. I was far away from home and could do anything and everything I’d always dreamt of. It was heaven!
The first day I arrived in Durban, was a hot summer day; the ocean was just as I had imagined it in my day dreams and even better, there were beautiful women all around me and I couldn’t wait to start living my life as per my dream plans. At night I imagined the fabulous time I was going to have with no parents around, no neighbours to tell my parents what I was getting up to…it was a dream come true for any 17year old.
The days went by…and I still had knots in my stomach from the excitement, tertiary was exhilarating…no teachers following me around to hand-in my homework, no parent telling me to wash the dishes, I was king of the castle. I made friends, failed a couple of class tests (which was just plain depressing), computers were just more difficult here than they were in High School…all that programming I had to do, when I didn’t even understand what the HELL my lecturer was going on about.
I met a guy who was also from Johannesburg (JHB) and went to the same school I went to…immediately we clicked…went around together on Campus and had a great time. There was something though about this guy that just made me love him…he was almost like me…in an uncanny kind of way. Whenever we went around Campus, he would look at guys in ways I’d never seen a guy look at other guys before…see, I hadn’t told him about my dreams and fantasies about women either, we had more comparable behaviours than I had imagined to have with anyone.
One day I decided to tell him about my dreams, interests and fantasies about women, and the intense attractions I had for them but was not sure whether I wanted to label myself as a homosexual or bisexual since I’d never had any relations with a woman before. He then told me about his attractions towards men but also had the same problem as me, as he still had a girlfriend back home. Needless to say that we became even more close and went on the road to ‘discovering our sexuality’ together…those were good times. We also had our first hate crime experience together, where we were attacked by taxi drivers at the taxi rank, while we were walking one of our extremely flamboyant friends to his taxis. An eye opening incident, that brought me back to reality regarding my sexuality and its acceptance.
My first (serious) kiss with a woman
There I was two years later, still in Durban and loving my life. Round about this time, I had met a whole group of gay and lesbian people from all over South Africa and had shaken off the thought that I was the only moffie (gay person) in the whole world…which freaked me out when I was younger because I thought I was really ‘abnormal’ and that the things I had read about gay people being ‘evil’ were true.
I was at a gay club with a group of friends…we went outside to take a break after a serious session on the dance floor. And like an angel from the sky, this beautiful woman walked up to us and asked for a cigarette lighter, I was dumbfounded and couldn’t say a word (I was just a 19 year old that had never approached a woman my whole life…give me a break), my friend jumped up and gave her a lighter…I was still seating there looking like a total schmuck, with my bottom lip almost touching the ground and my heart racing like a Lamborghini on the race track.
She just stood there and smiled at me, like my heart was just seating there in the open for all to see. Eventually after what seemed like forever…I said “hi”, and the rest is history. Our first kiss…I swear I heard the angels sing and god saying “that’s my girl”…my heart skipped a beat, my knees went wobbly and my whole body went limp…it was perfect and I would never change that moment for anything, even though at the back of my mind I kept asking myself “Am I doing it right? It feels right…but does it feel right to her?”
Ohhh the beauties of being young and the growing pains we go through everyday of our lives.
To be continued…
Thursday, April 20, 2006
God.Fear.Money
This is one of my favourite songs lately...it's powerful and to the point.
(From the album "COOKIE: THE ANTHROPOLOGICAL MIXTAPE")
by Me'Shell NdegeOcello
Yeah God shinin' the light
He just turned on the spotlight
Yo, check it
The devil
Put you on display
Yeah
I say
I used to believe
Everything
I read
Seen on TV
I was way down for the revolution
Until I found out
It was contingent on some
Corporate sponsorship
And if
Jesus was alive today
He'd be incarcerated
With the rest of the brothers
While uh
The devil would have a great apartment
On the upper east side
Be a guest V.J.
On total request live
God, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
I say god, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
Yes you do, lord
I say Mary don't you weep
Mary don't you moan
Lord have mercy
Come carry me home
And my
Love
Who up in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
And if you truly are the shepherd
Why do they want to destroy
Slaughter all in your name
Tell me
God, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
Yes you do
God, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
God, fear and money
Make the world go 'round and 'round
God, fear and money
Walk the walk
If you gonna talk that talk
Politicians
God, fear and money
The devil's work is never done
God
The devil's work is never done
The devil's work is never done
God
The devil's work is never done
The devil's work is never done
Free yourself from the chains
The devil's work is never done
Yeah
God, fear and money
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
The End…
Association with you brings…
Exasperation…in my heart…
Dejection sits…still you…
Persist but only make me…
Despise you more for not understanding
Cracks of my broken heart leads to the
Termination of our connection as I confirm the end
Reality is I’m...
Sad without you
© Sky 10/4/2006
Exasperation…in my heart…
Dejection sits…still you…
Persist but only make me…
Despise you more for not understanding
Cracks of my broken heart leads to the
Termination of our connection as I confirm the end
Reality is I’m...
Sad without you
© Sky 10/4/2006
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
A girl's best friend
It’s very rare as a girl to find one guy that you really get along with and knowing that he won’t turn on you one day and tell you he’s had a crush on you ever since you became friends. That may sound sweet in the movies but not with me, I hate it when a guy knows my sexual preference then spring something like that on me…don’t get me wrong, being liked is flattering but a NO is a NO.
So I feel very lucky to have a friend/brother like Sabelo, he’s sweet, intelligent, ambitious and very down to earth. I met him over a year ago when he came to our offices to work on starting his organisation; I ended up getting involved in SAYLO (South African Youth Liberating Organisation), any organisation looking at informing our youth on issues affecting them including HIV/Aids, Peer pressure and how to deal with them.
During his time at Behind the Mask, I got to know the young 20 year old and we got along like a house on fire. We talked about anything and everything, even cried together at times.
Beginning of March 2006, he got funding and had to leave to start an office for his organisation in Escourt, KwaZulu-Natal. I was really happy for him but sad that I won’t have someone to crack stupid jokes and talk about women with.
Life is a strange experience, we meet people that make an impact on our lives, whether positive or negative but we learn from them then we move on, only to meet more people to love and cherish and sometime lose them to death.
So maybe some girl’s best friends are diamonds…mine is Sabelo.
© 04/4/2006
April fools day –
I wish the news were just another joke
I woke up exhilarated to see another day
The night before I had prayed to God my soul to keep
And that should I die, I pray for God my life to take
Little did I know that while I was sleeping peacefully
A friend was taking her last breath
Funny how life gives us 9 months to prepare then takes without warning
You will be missed my friend
The only image I have in my head is of your smile
Though I know you suffered in pain
I’m glad I got the chance to know your warm smile
Lala kahle 'Baba ka Gundi '
All you troubles are gone now
We will be left with the pain of losing you
But we will rejoice for you have finally rested
Oneday the hurt of the world will be gone
And your struggles will have given someone else freedom
I love you and will miss you.
R.I.P My dear friend
I…
By Sky
I hide
I hide from the pain exerted on me by my society
Smile like the world is fair
Still life is sweeter with my baby by my side
I hear
I hear men of the cloth tell me how evil I am
I look at my reflection and all I see is unsullied perfection
Perfection made in the likeness of the one they claim to serve
I see
I see them pretending to preach the word of God
I see them twist the truth to promote their hatred
Yet they call me evil
Why won’t you see me for who I am
Why won’t you let me smile
Why won’t you let me be
Why do you want to hurt me when I’ve done nothing to you
I know
I know your day will come
When God shall rid me of this pain and fear
That day is the one thing that keeps me going
The day when I will rest and finally sleep peacefully
© 27/3/2006
I hide
I hide from the pain exerted on me by my society
Smile like the world is fair
Still life is sweeter with my baby by my side
I hear
I hear men of the cloth tell me how evil I am
I look at my reflection and all I see is unsullied perfection
Perfection made in the likeness of the one they claim to serve
I see
I see them pretending to preach the word of God
I see them twist the truth to promote their hatred
Yet they call me evil
Why won’t you see me for who I am
Why won’t you let me smile
Why won’t you let me be
Why do you want to hurt me when I’ve done nothing to you
I know
I know your day will come
When God shall rid me of this pain and fear
That day is the one thing that keeps me going
The day when I will rest and finally sleep peacefully
© 27/3/2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
What do women want?
February 9, 2006
I used to think I had all the answers to this question until I dated my first gal. Eish! There’s something about women that I don’t get and it becomes even more confusing because I’m also a womyn. Does it mean I have no idea what I want also? Maybe…
Women are dreamers; we dream of a perfect life, perfect love, more money, beautiful kids and the perfect world. Needless to say that doesn’t exist. A perfect world is the one that you make for yourself, a life in which you are happy with who and what you are regardless of your shape, skin tone and sexual preference. We are always looking for someone to tell us we are beautiful before we can believe it ourselves, for someone to tell us we are worth something before we can walk tall with pride.
There are 2 movies that I’ve watched that attempt to answer this frequently asked question: What Women Want starring Mel Gibson and What a Girl Wants starring Amanda Bynes.
In What Women Want, Mel acquires this temporary gift of being able to hear women’s thoughts and he becomes their friend, agony aunt, a sister they’ve never had type of guy but at the end, I retain the fact that though most thing might be similar, women still have different preferences for everything. Judging from my Xs, I can tell you they all wanted different things. You just need to know the individual to know what makes them tick.
After a long time thinking of this question, I ask myself, “What do I want?” And like most people “I want the dream”. Men want it, women want it, we all want it and that’s probably the one thing people should think about when getting into a relationship whether it be with someone of the same sex or opposite sex. We all want the same thing and getting to it, is by listening to your partner and always make sure you are heard also.
So, are men from Mars and women from Venus? The answer is yes! But they can co-exist and even speak the same language, if only they could concentrate on the goal ahead and not their differences. As a lesbian woman, I know for sure that there are times when I have no idea what my partner wants and yet we’re from the same ‘Venus’.
I used to think I had all the answers to this question until I dated my first gal. Eish! There’s something about women that I don’t get and it becomes even more confusing because I’m also a womyn. Does it mean I have no idea what I want also? Maybe…
Women are dreamers; we dream of a perfect life, perfect love, more money, beautiful kids and the perfect world. Needless to say that doesn’t exist. A perfect world is the one that you make for yourself, a life in which you are happy with who and what you are regardless of your shape, skin tone and sexual preference. We are always looking for someone to tell us we are beautiful before we can believe it ourselves, for someone to tell us we are worth something before we can walk tall with pride.
There are 2 movies that I’ve watched that attempt to answer this frequently asked question: What Women Want starring Mel Gibson and What a Girl Wants starring Amanda Bynes.
In What Women Want, Mel acquires this temporary gift of being able to hear women’s thoughts and he becomes their friend, agony aunt, a sister they’ve never had type of guy but at the end, I retain the fact that though most thing might be similar, women still have different preferences for everything. Judging from my Xs, I can tell you they all wanted different things. You just need to know the individual to know what makes them tick.
After a long time thinking of this question, I ask myself, “What do I want?” And like most people “I want the dream”. Men want it, women want it, we all want it and that’s probably the one thing people should think about when getting into a relationship whether it be with someone of the same sex or opposite sex. We all want the same thing and getting to it, is by listening to your partner and always make sure you are heard also.
So, are men from Mars and women from Venus? The answer is yes! But they can co-exist and even speak the same language, if only they could concentrate on the goal ahead and not their differences. As a lesbian woman, I know for sure that there are times when I have no idea what my partner wants and yet we’re from the same ‘Venus’.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Speak womyn speak
By Sky
Speak womyn speak
Let your voice be heard
Stop time if you have to
For all mankind to sit and listen
Your voice is thunderous
It possesses power you cannot envision
Speak womyn speak
Let your voice be heard
Break the shell from which you’ve been incarcerated
Let the silence be broken
But you have to stand up and speak
For everyone to feel your power
Break down the walls from which behind you hide
Let your voice be heard
Cry womyn cry
Let them see your tears
For only when they see the redness of your tears
Will they sit and listen
Speak womyn speak
Cry womyn cry
This is your time
Reclaim it!
02/2006
Speak womyn speak
Let your voice be heard
Stop time if you have to
For all mankind to sit and listen
Your voice is thunderous
It possesses power you cannot envision
Speak womyn speak
Let your voice be heard
Break the shell from which you’ve been incarcerated
Let the silence be broken
But you have to stand up and speak
For everyone to feel your power
Break down the walls from which behind you hide
Let your voice be heard
Cry womyn cry
Let them see your tears
For only when they see the redness of your tears
Will they sit and listen
Speak womyn speak
Cry womyn cry
This is your time
Reclaim it!
02/2006
Friday, November 25, 2005
Lesbian Visibility
November 25, 2005
In South Africa like most countries there's a shortage of lesbian visibility within the LGBTI struggle. Almost four years ago, the first and only lesbian organisation was formed under the name FEW - Forum for the Empowerment of Women, it is due to this organisation and it's members that we've currently seen a rise in lesbian and bisexual women visibility.
A lot of lesbian women prefer to stay indoors and have their gatherings there instead of going out. Judging from what i've heard and seen, I would say the reason for this is that there are no spaces reserved only for women. When you do go out, it would be to a gay club which is mostly hounded by gay men. Many women feel that it would be difficult to start a women's only bar/club as women are not as outgoing or out there like their male counterparts.
But once a lesbian gathering os organised, the ladies come out in droves - all shapes and sizes. It's a beautiful event. And if you'd like to see more women, then come to South Africa duirng Pride month, it becomes a haven of beauties, parading around and attending workshops and looking for the next party.
So all in all, South Africa is getting there in terms of lesbian visibility and countries like Uganda and Zimbabwe are following suite which is great for Africa and the women's movement. Our society brushes off homosexuality because they think that only white people are gay and hence it's an imported trait, so with our sisters coming out in numbers; these assumptions will be challenged and our voices will be heard.
We've been hiding behind men for too long, it's time we go out there and reclaim what is ours...Our Freedom to be women who love women. period.
© Mpumi 'Sky' Mathabela
In South Africa like most countries there's a shortage of lesbian visibility within the LGBTI struggle. Almost four years ago, the first and only lesbian organisation was formed under the name FEW - Forum for the Empowerment of Women, it is due to this organisation and it's members that we've currently seen a rise in lesbian and bisexual women visibility.
A lot of lesbian women prefer to stay indoors and have their gatherings there instead of going out. Judging from what i've heard and seen, I would say the reason for this is that there are no spaces reserved only for women. When you do go out, it would be to a gay club which is mostly hounded by gay men. Many women feel that it would be difficult to start a women's only bar/club as women are not as outgoing or out there like their male counterparts.
But once a lesbian gathering os organised, the ladies come out in droves - all shapes and sizes. It's a beautiful event. And if you'd like to see more women, then come to South Africa duirng Pride month, it becomes a haven of beauties, parading around and attending workshops and looking for the next party.
So all in all, South Africa is getting there in terms of lesbian visibility and countries like Uganda and Zimbabwe are following suite which is great for Africa and the women's movement. Our society brushes off homosexuality because they think that only white people are gay and hence it's an imported trait, so with our sisters coming out in numbers; these assumptions will be challenged and our voices will be heard.
We've been hiding behind men for too long, it's time we go out there and reclaim what is ours...Our Freedom to be women who love women. period.
© Mpumi 'Sky' Mathabela
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
